Forbidden Happiness
by xavilla
Summary: Revised: Morgan's life was ordinary until he discovered another side, giving someone a chance to change him forever. Carl Buford is back and this time he makes sure Morgan pays for abandoning him. Reid is the weapon Carl uses against Morgan. But through strange events, Morgan gets another chance to rescue Reid.
1. Chapter 1

**Note: I am trying to revise this story and hopefully make it better and less confusing.**

 **What happens When you Die?**

 **-Prologue-**

A Hopeless world it was, everywhere nothing but deep silence

All left with no cause, O, things I would do to see you once

Walking the same streets now, an empty world staring at me

To my lonely life I vow, have my soul and body now be free

Imagine wandering around, person to person, place to place, hoping for a spark in life, something, someone to lit you up. Imagine searching for heaven on earth. Imagine wishing for something so great that your mind can't handle the thought of it. Imagine, looking for a life which you plan about every night, a dream to dream about. Then imagine, it all coming true. One day that gives you your imagination in reality pack and you bear witness heaven in your lifetime.

Me, you, everyone, does everything to be happy. This sense overtakes every action we do, the defining theme of our life stories, the sole goal we all run after and eventually it only ends when met with death. I, too wandered around to be happy, searching for causes, events and people providing me dose of that one thing, happiness.

This is my story, Derek Morgan's story of how I learned what life was and what death could be. I take you to this journey keeping in mind I did all of this for one sole purpose, happiness.

 **Chapter 1:**

It all started out when we were called in for the annual evaluation and training in Chicago. The month long testing and learning almost sounded like living in residence while away for collage. Different training teams were all staying at this hotel, five star quality. BAU was assigned a private lounge on the tenth floor. I placed my bags down on the bed while looking out the window for the view that I would have for a month now. I had to share my room with Rossi since everyone was doubled up. The team gathered up and we all were given our schedules; very busy times were coming ahead of us.

I gathered some time to freshen up a little before going to bed. The hot stream bath evaporated my stress away as I fogged the whole bathroom. I came out to find Rossi already fast asleep, snoring a little. I threw my wet towel on the chair as my phone beeped. I glanced behind to note an incoming text. I walked over to read it. Now that it is all over, I think to myself, this text was beginning of everything.

That text, which were mere letters, had the potential to devastate so many lives, to teach me things I rather had not known. It all started with the words: Karma is a bitch!

I remember how awkward I felt that day receiving that weird message. The sender was an unknown. I assumed Garcia to be behind this silliness. I recall giving a smile off to that off text and joining the rest of the team for the dinner.

"Rossi's off early" I told the rest.

"He ate already" Garcia replied while passing me a serving plate. I must confess I loved seeing our whole gang share a dinner together and this was to continue for a month. I missed having such large dinners like these.

"Guess what, I have forensic analysis session so _early_ in the morning" JJ exclaimed.

"Same here" I added while filling my plate with saucy pasta, steam rising.

"They have different sessions running throughout the month" JJ went on.

The conversations went on and so as our days there. I was starting to enjoy all the vacation like feelings. I mean we were not to look at any case for a whole month. Due to having early sessions, I got back to hotel before others did and had a lot of time to chill.

Then one afternoon while watching baseball game alone, another text with the same unknown number arrived. This time more complicated, more weird.

"You did great in ruining me, but guess what, I have so much more in store for you"

This time it left me thinking, the hidden threat sipped a little in my heart but I had no clue what it actually meant. I had no enemies and as far as I could remember I had done no ruin to anyone. Lost in those thoughts, I didn't realize that JJ was calling me over in the little kitchen we had on our floor. I quickly left all thoughts aside and moved on. I wish I hadn't. I wish I reacted. I wish I had done something, something, at least something.

Moving on.

Golden period, yeah, truly golden is what I call that time. The time I bet I could never experience again. I miss it immensely now but recalling those moments are now just as pleasant as were living them. It was the time I came to notice of something so great in life, something I always wished to have, a remarkable friend, a trusted partner and a secret touch away from reality.

Our Boy genius, my pretty boy, and this world's Spencer Reid was much more than a co-worker to me. He quickly became something more valuable than a friend. With him time flew, he was just that different. We connected right from the start, me hovering around him like a big brother. That lanky slim built although seemed vulnerable to the world but I can proudly say he was the bravest my eyes have witnessed yet.

It wasn't love between us, because that was what I had for my family and other friends. It was something the world has no word for. It wasn't love, I swear it wasn't only that. It was much grander, much bigger, not as ordinary to be described by just mere letters. It was experiencing heaven, having paradise on earth.

I told him how I felt. He smiled off the feelings at first not understanding the depth so rapidly. Within days, I left him dumbfounded, speechless, at loss of words. Yes, that talkative little master was standing with simple tears in his eyes.

"I don't believe it Morgan" was all he said.

With time, I started to lose interest in everything, everyone, and every place seemed boring without him. I still hanged out with other girls, once in a while on dates but it never seemed right. They never made me happy. I thought maybe I was more into guys but that even ended worse. I finally figured out, it wasn't about being a girl or a boy, it was about being Spencer Reid. I know it sounds so vague, right. I liked his soul, his mind, his personality; not his X or Y chromosome. I never wanted anything in return. I was lost under a spell.

So, I decided to tell Reid about the weird text. He did his language analysis thing and together we decided that it could be someone belonging to a previously encountered unsub family.

"I don't feel a direct connection to any unsub" I explained to him.

"Maybe" He thought out loud "maybe, someone from your family, who has excess to your private cell number?" Reid postulated.

"Aunt, Mom, sisters...nothin's coming to mind" I sat back on the bed frustrated.

"Is it okay to wait for another text, maybe we can profile the person better then?" Reid suggested. I smiled back and rested my eyes on him. The stares continued for a while.

"WHAT?" he asked finally getting annoyed from the silent stares.

"Why? Can't I look at you?" I asked shyly.

"You can, but why would you want to do that?" He asked. I guessed he just loves making simple things complicated.

"Because I like what I see" I replied.

It was often encounters similar to this that annoyed him a little. He was a man of science searching for straight forward explanations. I understood that it bothered him. Often times my behaviour was at question but I was just lost myself. We were not dating. Confused at my attitude, he finally asked me what was happening between us.

"What do you think?" I asked his opinion instead.

"We like each other in a wired way, ahhhh-I don't know!" he threw his book aside and sat helplessly. I smiled staring at Journal of Biological Chemistry.

"What type of relationship is that when both of us describe ourselves as straight humans?" Reid asked. It clicked right at that moment to me. I sat up.

"Happiness- The relationship of happiness" I said and he looked away smiling.

"You make me happy, I make you happy, simple as that" I went on.

"So yeah, all messed up relation" Reid goofed off but I knew how much he agreed with me. All his life, like mine, sadness engulfed him. All he wanted was to be that special someone for someone. I gave him the appreciation that he thrived on.

He once told me "All this knowledge of the world can't provide me with what you give me, happiness, true happiness".

As weird as it sounds, as funny as it seems, as odd it may feels, we were each other's emotion masters. We loved to be together in our own ways. When it was just two of us, we would climb out to our little mystery world of happiness where glimpses of heaven startled us, where eye to eye we read each other, where without touching we felt each other, where without a real relation we lived for each other.

I told no one how much he meant for me. Breaths came easy watching him by my side. I could never eat without having him around, never sleep, never rest, never dream. I quickly had slaved myself. I made one happy slave. But to others, I was just little over-protective brother of his.

Then, this text from a new number with much more concerning message arrived.

"I know the way to your heaven, AND, I am going to seize it away"

I threw my phone away this time. No one knew where my heaven lied, no one had the slightest idea how to get there, in fact there was no way. I remember that night, I sat in the balcony enjoying the warm winds of the city. I knew the messages were getting more personal. I felt scared for the first time. Then again, no one knew what my heaven was. Maybe they meant something else, I'd like that better.

A deep sign and a creased forehead, I sat there thinking it was time for action. It wasn't long before my heaven joined me. I called him that only in my thoughts. I hoped the texts were not referring to him.

"You seem distressed?" Reid asked joining me in the balcony after a tiring day at training.

"I'm just a little worried" I confessed.

"Is there another text?" He questioned as I passed him my phone. With a glimpse, he read the sentence out loud. Immediately, he understood the underlying meaning. I rose to my feet inhaling loudly.

"It's getting serious now" I exclaimed.

"I can talk to Hotch 'bout it" Reid mentioned, I shook my head.

"No, NO..I don't think he needs to be involved yet" I walked over to where he was sitting. I swear his eyes could murder any heavy hearted like me. Silence fell. I stared. He stared. I smiled.

"Nothing to worry right, it's probably some psycho getting off at scaring some FBI agent right" I said. Reid took my hands in his.

"No, I think we should get Garcia to trace the sender's number and the location" He mentioned.

"You think so"

"I feel something bad is going to happen"

"Why?"

"It's just a feeling"

I smiled at his concern and embraced him. And suddenly, it was happiness surrounding us all around. We were getting lost in the hug, forgetting the world, like nothing mattered, like nothing existed.

The next morning, we got the number traced, location located. Both of us drove to the fields of lavishing green grass, to remote side of the city. The text came from a very small hut-like house located in middle of a wide field. With precautions, we entered the place which at first seemed abandoned for years, like no one lived here.

Reid scraped dust off of some table. I lowered my gun to examine few piles of paper over the old rusty sofas. My sight fell on a paper ID. At first, I thought I was imagining but it really was that. I stepped back, bile building in my throat, chest contracting tightly. No, it made all sense. Those paper spoke about the hell I always lived in before I lived in this heaven. My feet felt numb. And, then my phone beeped.

"You found me finally Derek, I am coming for you".

I yelled No, mentally, before I looked up to see my paradise dazzling nearby. All pressure subsided. I felt at peace again, for a while only. He smiled back as he walked towards me.

I mentally screamed to myself, Carl Buford.


	2. Chapter 2

Note: I will update daily. So please do share your thoughts with me.

 **Chapter 2**

It was my childhood slayer Carl Buford again. I was sure of it now. I chose not to let Reid know of it yet. Carl was still in the jail so how could he get his hands here now. I was confused but not afraid. Nothing more and I made Reid leave that house immediately. That night in my sleep, I suffered with nightmares from past as Carl Buford took over my life again. One after another, the moment I chose to go back to sleep, Carl would resurfaced again. The same helplessness from my childhood hours would fall over me but I was not the same Derek anymore. I was bigger, better and didn't needed him anymore. I had to fight him and win. I got up in the middle of the night and took my phone into the bathroom.

I reread the texts again. Then again. Trying to steal all I could from mere words. He knew I found him. With trembling hands, I replied to his text.

"I am not scared of you anymore".

I then washed my face, stared in the mirror. This shouldn't be happening again. The phone beeped. Message not sent. And, a night of hell went on..

In the morning, I opened my eyes, craving the feeling of knowing my heaven was with me. I rushed to Reid and Hotch's room. Every morning Hotch would take shower early. It was my routine, starting my day by looking at my innocent little partner lost in sleep. I would sit on the floor beside his bed side and literally worship the peace that radiated from him. It was like my breakfast, like my drug to start off my day. I only would move when the shower would go off. But today, I was sad. Last night was bad and I could surely use a little hand from my heaven to restore some sense in me.

The shower turned off but I wasn't done yet. I wanted more. I wanted to stay for a little while longer in this moment of ease. The days were long, with mostly other people hovering over my Reid and then him watching shows with Garcia, sharing room with Hotch, learning to cook with Rossi, attending training sessions with Emily and what was left for me...just watching him sleep. I felt little jealous. I knew Hotch was about to enter the room any moment but I wanted to stay, tell him I belonged here. But, that would cost us both. So, before he could walk on me, I walked out in despair.

I was mad. Maybe it was the discovery of text messages or my over possessiveness. Whatever it was, I felt angry. I quickly gulped down my morning toast and coffee. I had to leave shortly for my class. Oh. I felt I was back in school again, seriously. I quickly got ready and just before heading out I saw Reid walking out of his room in his pajamas running for his breakfast. Anger stirred in me. With the right opportunity, I rushed over to grab his wrist and pull him in the kitchen instantly. I trapped him between the fridge and me, startling him. His hairs were still messy from sleep and eyes red.

"Chill out Morgan" He whispered.

"NO!" I raised my voice and quickly realized the cost and lowered it "so what are your plans for today?"

"Is this the way to ask?" He inquired trying to push me away but I stood like a wall.

"Answer me first?" I almost ordered, jealousy stirring up inside me.

"You know my day better than me, I have training in a while and I come back in the evening, then I watch the new TV series with Garcia, then do all the assigned work by Chief, finish the evaluation, read my book, do some dishes with JJ.." He went on.

"And what about me?" I asked in the middle.

"You have your own duties" He innocently dodged my bullet.

"You have no time for me, right?" I said and stepped back. "I _get_ it" my voice cracked. This tough guy melted this easy in front of his happiness. I backed off.

"It's not like that, I have all my time for you" He quickly replied " Morgan, what more can I do?".

"Nothing, I guess. I am at fault here. Sorry man, sorry I-I apologize for this" I walked out realizing it was Carl playing in my mind and not him. Reid was simply living his life how any normal man would do.

"Morgan, is there something I can do for you?" He followed me.

"NO, the problem is simple, Me, never having enough of you, so no matter what you do or not do, I'm still gonna be asking for more." I said and left to start off my day on a bitter note. It was simply the hardest thing to leave him behind. I had no control or else God knows how much I would bother him.

Sometimes, it appeared very one sided relation to me. Like, all my happiness was due to him but he could find his way in other things too. He liked keeping his feelings private, I could never know how much I meant to him, or this relation of happiness.

I went for the class resisting him. During the session, I was trying to listen but all my thoughts derailed. And, as usual I got back earlier to snooze off on the couch. It wasn't enough that my night was all hell that even now dreams turned into nightmares where Carl Buford would break me again, and then again.

A serious past memory suddenly drove me out back to reality. I snapped out from my sleep. I found Reid sitting beside me watching me worriedly. I must have scared him or was he actually staring at me sleeping. He smiled the moment I stirred up from the couch.

"You didn't sleep right last night?" he asked lightly. I shook my head.

"What if I say I can't sleep without you" I said.

"Do I have to sing you lullabies now?" He laughed and I sighed.

" I would love to" He went on.

"Don't make me more cripple than I'm already" I answered.

"Stop blaming me for everything" He smiled lightly and rested back on the couch.

"Why not, it's only plausible, since you _are_ my everything" I said "You're like cyanide or something slowly poisoning me, sweetly killing me, disabling me from inside so I become all dependent on you, so my life just becomes a credit to you, very evil".

"After all, you don't need a gun to kill someone" He muttered shyly shifting on the couch. I never thought about that before, he really was killing me, whether in a good or bad way, it still was murder after all. My heart ached knowing Reid could not leave everything to become mine. It was being selfish, for my own happiness. But, he was all I wanted, all I now needed to live. I was trapped.

"It hurts" I said, my voice becoming raspy this time.

"What's hurting this tough man now?" he inquired playfully watching TV now.

"You" I sighed " You hurt so much, just so much" I let out and he turned his concerned face toward me, the sweet ecstasy drove me to peace again. I placed my hand on his back almost like a beggar, begging for him to give himself to me. He rolled his eyes at me playfully probably thinking I was being sarcastic here.

With days going by, sleep was something not coming easy anymore. The texts were gone but I used to stay awake the entire night shifting restlessly around the bed as Rossi snored loudly. It was becoming very annoying by now. During the days, I would become cranky and once even snapped at Rossi for no reason. I felt bad after but what else could be done. Another night, and Rossi's snores boiled my blood inside out. I had to talk to Hotch now.

"It's too much, I need to sleep now!" I told Hotch as we drove for our firing evaluation the next day.

"I understand, I can even hear them through the walls" he added with a little smile.

"And I _had_ to double up with him" I said angrily and he laughed.

"Of course you will laugh, cause you got the dead sleeper with you" I said feeling jealous of him.

"It scares me how still Reid sleeps sometimes, totally like a dead body" Hotch replied.

"Hotch, comm'on, I need Rossi out for a while, is that possible to switch him with Reid" I requested. He gave it a little thought.

"You want my sleep to suffer" Hotch smiled but still keeping a bossy face.

"Look at me man, I'm sleep deprived now!" I told him.

"How about you and Reid switch, his dead ear will not be bothered by Rossi" Hotch suggested and I sighed. It's like he was doing everything to make sure I and Reid never share a room. I remained quiet. At least, Hotch wouldn't snore.

That night I gathered all my stuff to move to Hotch's room. I jumped on the bed excitedly when settling in. I might actually get a good night sleep tonight, I thought.

"Careful there" Hotch said.

"What if Rossi's snoring power makes the dead sleeper alive too" I laughed out and he smiled as well. I finally had a snore-free night after a while.

One problem down, but even that did no good. I dreamt of Carl escaping the jail and planning revenge on me. In my dream, he walked over to me with his scary grin and I could hear his ugly voice echoing all around me "I know the way to your Heaven". I screamed at him to stop saying that but it played over and over again "I know the way to your Heaven".

"NOOOOOOOO!" I cried out loud.

"Morgan, wake up, it's okay, just a dream" Hotch was shaking me out of my terror. I gasped loudly and realized I was crying with tears running down my eyes. Hotch was terrified.

"Calm down now" he almost ordered. I sat back up, breathing out. Hotch got up to get me a glass of water. I was still panicking, panting.

"I haven't seen you like this before" He noticed. I put the glass aside.

"Just a scary dream" I replied.

"Is something bothering you?" He asked. He could act like a boss even at this hour. I remained quiet but then my phone beeped. The sheer terror in my eyes told the profiler beside me all that I was hiding. It was a text from a new number now.

"Time is running out Derek, I am coming for your heaven".

I took the phone and rushed to the bathroom leaving Hotch all lost. I had to reply to this son of a bitch now.

"Stop threatening me!" I texted.

"Very well Derek, you will get this traced as well but don't bother cause you won't find me" Another text came.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?" I texted back.

"Your Happiness".

Fear crawled all the way up to my spine. There is no way in the world he would know my secret. How could he, he was jailed. And my happiness only meant Dr. Reid.

"WHO ARE YOU!" I texted back but an error arrived. I threw my phone away, this time it smashed in the sink. I sat on the floor amazed. There was no way. He was lying. It's not him. No. Couldn't be. NO. Just no!

"Morgan, is everything okay?" Hotch knocked. I inhaled the terror.

"Yeah, just needed to use the restroom" I replied holding the fear back out from the profiler.

Then again, sleep ran away from me. I laid back in despair. Something needed to be done with the threats and I had to do it alone. Thoughts, plans and ideas kept me awake until the sun made its way out. I got the sudden urge to be with Reid now but unlike Hotch showering, Rossi was still in bed. I made myself coffee to relax but it didn't help until he came into my sight finally.

"Sleep well after a long time?" He asked as he placed his artistic hand over my right cheek. I nodded slightly and the profiler inside him howled. My eyes told the stories. I couldn't hide from him, he was my happiness after all.

"What's bothering you?" he inquired tensely. I put my coffee cup down on the counter.

"I-I just want to ran away from here" I let out, almost whispering insane.

"What? Are you okay?" he asked, his face twisting in panic.

"No, I want more" I replied desperately looking at my medicine standing in front of me. He understood my request and laughed instead.

"Morgan, you little love sick bird! Get a hold on yourself" he walked over to make his own cup of coffee.

"Yeah, I feel sick without you... can't you just stay with me all the time" I demanded. He smiled again and brightening up my day.

"Obsessive, possessive, depressive...Morgan don't fall for me that hard, you gonna be crazy in days" He moved a little forward.

"I can't help it, it feels great to have you here, I feel crazy but happy" I said. Suddenly, his eyes saddened up.

"Don't do it!- Don't make me used to of this, I don't deserve such goodness in life" Reid spoke sadly.

"Why not silly? You have the right to be just as happy as anyone else. Isn't life all about brining happiness to each other... then why are you running away" I held him by his arms "let go of all your fears, cause I got your back". He looked up, his sad beautiful eyes murdering me, sparkling now with hint of tears.

"I'm afraid" He confessed moving closer to me.

"Even with a Derek Morgan in your life, huh?" I joked. He just kept looking at me. I wish I knew what he was thinking.

"You're-You're just too damn good, you love me too much, you MEANY, LIFE RUINER!" Reid loudly exclaimed and shyly walked out of the room with his coffee. I smiled swaying with happiness all around. Now that I had my real breakfast done, I felt all ready to get the day started.

But, no one knew where my destiny was taking me, until it all happened.

 _ **Thanks for reading the story, I would love to hear your concerns and thoughts about this story. I wrote this three years and now revising it to make it even better. It's one of my most favorite storylines ever. Just a heads up for those reading it the first time, it's full of twists, heavy emotions, some aspects of supernatural stuff and lots of actions...If you have any questions, please do ask...I'll be VERY happy to answer :) :)**_

 _ **Do Review.**_


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Life was good, in fact too good to me. I found a purpose to live. I had a reason to wake up. Suddenly, the cruel world started to appear so beautiful. I started to notice the skies more, stars more, everything radiated satisfaction, like I conquered all lands, won all wars. I was where I belonged. I felt good living this life now, all due to my heaven giving me refuge in his heart.

Hotch's late night meetings gave us a slight edge. Reid would stay with me until I slept, his presence was enough to relax me. I showed him games on my phone, challenging to beat my high scores. He was not too bad at them. He would then read me his books, his current interest shifting to biochemistry. Following the rhythm of his voice, I would go to sleep unknowingly. Spending more time with him replaced Carl's nightmare to sweet dreams. Dreams of places where good things happened, where harmony existed. It's like I visited heaven every night with an angel.

I remember how I used to pray to God when Carl was abusing me. But, every prayer felt unheard. I continued in hell for very long years. I would cry at night as a child wishing a release from all the pains but He never listened. So, I quit. I concluded He never existed. God was gone.

It wasn't until Reid came to my life that God returned too. I felt all my prayers were heard now. All due wishes and prayers were finally coming true. Deep inside my heart, my faith refurbished. It's like I was the earth where devils like Carl and Angels like Reid were always at war.

Now, only ten days were left in the training section and no new texts arrived. I even forgot about them because Reid took over my memory, I would only recall his words, jokes and moments in his absence.

Final tests were coming ahead, where we spent nights studying. Reid finished the fastest and then helped the rest get the material on hand. Garcia would join us too with midnight snacks and little game breaks. Emily was Reid's favorite student. He didn't like me so much in that role because according to him I was just a big distraction.

After everyone used to leave, we spent our times together, laughing, joking, planning pranks on others. He would sometimes sleep on his books, over my leg, anywhere basically. His simplicity and innocence won me over. We would call each other names, throw things around and once it even ended in wrestling too. Ironically, he won pinning me easily. I was so happy during those times but at the back of my head I had always felt scared. I knew nothing lasts forever, so this would end too.

Those day, I would wake myself seeing his face, I went to sleep with him by my side, I only ate when he was around. O how easily, I enslaved myself.

Then this day, rain had claimed its presence, showering down water from heavens. I sat near my window trying to read for an upcoming test that Garcia entered my room.

"Good Morning Dearest Dear! I'm going out for shopping, wan'na join?" She asked cheerfully. I pointed to my book sadly.

"We can take care of that afterwards" She proclaimed excitedly.

"Do I have to go?" I whined.

"Oh My! You need some fresh air, com'on give me some company" She insisted. I had to give in to her. I quickly got myself ready while Reid was still in shower. I lightly tapped on his bathroom's door. He was humming inside.

"I'm leaving with Garica...will be back in a while, do miss me as much as you can" I said while smirking.

"Oh, don't worry, missing comes naturally, See ya in a while" He yelled from inside.

"On the second thought, I don't want to go" I replied and his showered turned off.

"Why?" He yelled.

"At least, not until I see you" I said waiting for that door to open.

"I'm not coming out any soon" He yelled.

"Then I will wait forever" I smiled.

"Good luck with that!" he commented. I could hear clothes ruffling inside. I stayed their quietly and I then slammed the room door closed while still staying inside. Sometimes, recalling that day suffocates my heart painfully. Time, it just passed by, took moments with it, took my everything. I stood outside his bathroom door waiting to meet him for the last time. My hearts trembles at every memory of that event. Now, thinking back of that moment, I feel sick, I feel hollow.

The door opened and he stepped out, startled but he quickly moved forward to give an overdue morning hug. He was surprised I was still here. I ruffled his wet hairs not knowing how important these touches will become in a while. I still recall his perfect face, pale but pink at right places, mischief eyes staring at me, tugging my collar and he tickled his nose with mine. But, most of all, the big bright smile on his face lightened the whole world around me and till this very day it illuminates my dark life. That lucky moment, I was the owner of this treasure not knowing the true price of it. I let go of him that time. I went out leaving him behind. Regret is an understatement to that action of mine. I walked out of that building on that day smiling, intoxicated with so much happiness in my life.

At the mall, every next thing I laid my eyes on reminded me of him, things I could buy for him, anything to return his favors. This was the extent of our weird relationship. You won't understand because you don't have a friend like him in your life. But I did.

"Hi, where're you going?" Garcia asked seeing me change direction as we walked loaded with bags.

"The chocolate store" I pointed. She raised her eyebrow at that.

"I'm gonna get the biggest chocolate monster for a chocolate freak" I told her and she smiled, nodded.

"Go ahead, I'm going to check that shoe shop on that floor" she said and left on her way.

In the chocolate shop, I placed my order. The whole shop smelled like him. Even, scents could made impressions so hard to forget. Then, my phone beeped. An unknown text.

"Today is the day, mark your calendar!"

For a minute, my body froze. I checked the sender, the number was new, from an unknown location. I started to panic. I didn't know if they were sent only to create chaos or elicit fear.

"Here's your order Sir!" the cashier spoke. I quickly took the package and ran off to find Garcia. She was at the top end of the stairs in her pink heels. I waved at her in full panic. I had to get home fast. She saw an utter slab of fear on my face and ran off the stairs in hurry. And, the next step her feet missed the footing and the heels threw her off the stairs. Stumbling, falling here and there she fell from the stairs until she landed all injured on the floor. Crowd panicked and gathered around her. I ran off toward her dropping behind the chocolate monster, smashing the sculpture into pieces...

"Somebody call the medics!" Yelled a stranger helping Garcia up. She went unconscious suddenly. I pushed around to get a grab on her. I placed her head in my lap and tapped on her face lightly.

"Heyy, Penelope!" I yelled trying to bring her back. Blood was sipping out of her nose. In matter of minutes, the help arrived and she was taken to nearby hospital. I drove along with her as doctors took in charge of the situation. I dialed Hotch instantly.

"Garcia fell from the stairs. We're taking her to the hospital." I said the moment he picked up. The ambulance's siren howled on the streets as traffic made path for us to move. I prayed that nothing serious got hurt in the way, she seemed bruised.

I sat back in the waiting area while she got the required attention. Soon, Hotch and Emily rushed into the room. I stood up immediately.

"How's she doing?" Emily asked right away.

"No words on that yet" I mentioned and went onto explaining the details of the mishap as Hotch called Rossi.

"Where's JJ and Reid?" I asked looking around.

"Went for training but they're on their way here" She replied.

In a little while JJ ran in the room panicking, her face all flushed out. Emily told her to sit before saying anything.

"I hope she's fine" she let out holding back her sorrow.

"Where's Reid?" I asked. She wiped her nose.

"He was right behind me...Oh, he was attending a call while we parked. I just sort of rushed here-I had to get here fast, she's in trouble" she said. I stood up furiously.

"Where did you park?" I asked.

"He'll be on his way" She said.

"WHICH FLOOR?" I panicked. Hotch stood up to cool me down. I recalled the latest text in my head suddenly.

"3rd" she said and I ran off before any one of them could say another word. I dialed his number, again and again but no answer. I ran faster, pushing around. Blood pumping up, adrenaline rushing in to the play.

"Today is the day!" Echoed in my mind and I panicked completely slamming doors to get my way.

On the 3rd floor of parking, I searched for their van, desperately scanning each vehicle until I found the black SUV from the distance. I sprinted like my life depended on that ran. I gasped as I slammed into the vehicle which had the driving side door fling open. Thoughts stopped, just focusing on the scene in front.

The door was hanging open with Reid's phone on the ground beneath it beeping. I quickly picked up the broken phone showing a new text. I clicked on the icon and read "Welcome back to Hell My Favorite Derek!" My eyes expanded as if they wanted to pop out from their sockets in despair. I got back up to look around.

"REID!" I yelled. I dashed around, car to car, screaming his name on top my lungs, calling my life upon, crying piercingly.

"REID! REID! REEEEIDDD!" Tears fell from my eyes as I yelled insanely, his name echoing around the whole parking floor, alerting other people, my vision becoming blurry as tears expressed the pain uncontrollably. I fell on the ground as a security guard rushed forward.

"SPENCER!" I roared as he approached me.

"NO! THEY CAN'T! NO NO NO, REID! COME BACK!" I cried. Hotch followed close behind. His face showed what animal I appeared.

"RRRRRREEEIIIIIDDDD!" was all I could managed to growl before collapsing.

x

x

x

"Morgan! Morgan, can you hear me?" Hotch's voice restored the sorrow back into me as I returned from darkness. I was lying on the ground in the parking with paramedics around. Hotch was holding me down as I lay replaying each text in my mind, the coward Derek Morgan lost, yet again. This fool deserved no good, no happiness. I closed my eyes shutting all voices around. Too much happened too fast.

"Morgan? Where's Reid? Did you see him?" Hotch asked as anger stirred every nerve inside me and I pushed him back to stand up. The doctors held me but I quickly fought back.

"Sir please" she requested but I was not sitting back anymore. Hotch was too lost to think so he yelled on top of his lungs.

"CALM DOWN NOW!" but it was too late for that, I had to go. Reid was in wrong hands. Suddenly, Hotch lost it all and slapped me hard. I sat back, crying again, slowly hyperventilating.

"That's it sir, please breathe in and out" I heard them say. I cried almost like a child who just lost his mother. They let me take it all out.

"Morgan, what happened?" Hotch calmed down finally. I looked up, face soaking with tears.

"They...they took REID! THEY-" I managed to babble.

"Who did?" He asked with pure sheer terror. Another deep cry answered him. I felt weak. Hotch shook me a little as I went on to cry.

"Carl Buford"

...

 _ **Thank you so much for reading, please review and share your thoughts/concerns.**_


	4. Chapter 4

_**To the Guest Reviewer: There are 17 Chapters in total for this story.**_

 **Chapter 4**

Local PD was on high alert, searching every corner of the city for Reid. Another investigation team was hired to figure the whole game out. Of course, we resisted at first but nothing could be done yet. Carl Buford was checked upon in prison and called in for further questioning. All the answers lied there. Together, our team decided to secretly investigate the case on our own as well. Anger and rage were troubling me a lot and I had to stay focused.

Night fell on that day and we were still in hospital for Garcia. She was getting better now after spraining her ankle badly and was to rest in bed for a while. It hit her hard when we broke the news to her at first. Of course, she cried a little but JJ took care of that. We had to return back to the hotel without her.

We gathered in the study room where I placed both our phones. Kevin was secretly on his way to Chicago, good thing he made it on time here. He started to set the whole system up to trace where last call from Reid's phone arrived.

Hotch was super mad at me for hiding all the text messages for that long. He was clearly blaming me at this point. But, I didn't care about anyone. I was away from Reid, now for many hours and it was killing me. I sat down in misery. Carl Buford was that part of my life that I rather not shared with my team but it seemed inevitable now. Emily started to analyze the language hidden behind the texts. I had to focus and be normal like rest of the team, to hide all my feelings behind.

"All threatening in nature" She started to speak.

" I am coming for your heaven" Rossi read out "Why is he referring to Reid as your Heaven?" He questioned and anger stirred up in me. I wasn't ready to tell anyone what he meant for me. It was our own little secret.

"I don't know" I simply replied.

"He's after you, this could be revenge for putting him behind the bars" Emily suggested.

"Look at the Victomology? Why Reid?" Hotch raised a question putting me in deep thought. Carl was behind bars, he could never have an idea of who I cared the most about in the world. He, obviously hired people to stalk me but we never publically displayed any sort of relationship around. I was sure that even my own team was oblivious to that fact. Then, how were they able to know Reid was my heaven, my everything.

"Stop profiling Reid, we all know who the unsub is!" I rose up.

"Morgan, Reid's the victim here, you know the rules" Hotch said.

"We need to question Carl rather than waste our time here!" I spoke up. The room went silent. I had to be more careful but I couldn't stand the thought of having our secret little relationship being profiled here.

"Sir, last call on Dr. Reid's phone was from a clone number of Morgan" Kevin interrupted while staring at his screen.

"What?" I exclaimed.

"Can be the distraction?" Emily mentioned.

"What about the location?" Hotch asked, getting more worried now. It all seemed a well planned kidnapping.

"I'm working on it" Kevin replied.

"Carl is in prison, so he must have other men stalk Morgan and plan the whole thing out, maybe after all he wants to see you again by playing this out" Rossi speculated.

"He doesn't intend to kill, I assume Reid would be safe for now" Emily suggested. A wave of shiver shook my body. All this to meet me again!

It was decided that Carl will be interrogated in the morning. And here, I had to spend the first night all alone. Sleep was miles away from me. I was thinking only about you, Reid! Where you could be, what you must be doing. It pained me to think that some strangers were with you and I was so far away. What weird night it was, so silent, so sad. I started to pray for you because nowadays you were the only thing I would pray for, ask for. I spent that night empty handed, with bad thoughts and utter feelings of helplessness. It was only hours since you were gone, just this morning I had you in front of my eyes but it felt much more than that.

Morning came after such a tormented night. I was ready before anyone else was. I had to bring you home today. It was a new day, hopefully a good one. I sat in the SUV, ready to drive off while waiting for others. I looked out the window. The morning life was on its way, people rushing around the sidewalks, cars moving along, businesses starting up again... but to me it appeared as if my world had stopped for a while.

We drove to the police station where Carl was held for questioning, another team was already in there. I simply rushed toward the room as fast as I could before Hotch pulled me aside.

"Where do you think you're going?" he asked like the boss he was.

"Asking that son of a bitch about Reid!" I spat out.

"That is what he wants. We're not giving it to him. Stay here!" Hotch ordered and entered the room himself along side with Emily.

I stood behind the window staring at the most hated face I knew. Although I was partially here because of him but I rather not include him in my life anymore. I had to focus now, bringing back Reid was the only thing that mattered.

"I was expecting Agent Morgan to come along as well" Carl spoke as they sat in front of him.

"This isn't about him, tell me where Dr. Reid is?" Hotch got to the point. He remained quiet for a while.

"I don't know. I'm all locked up" Carl grinned.

"We have no time for your play!" Hotch sternly said.

"Oh come' on Agents, you got to be kidding me now! How am I suppose to know what is happening out there when I'm behind the bars?" He replied lightly.

"You tell us where he is being kept and we'll not charge you with anything?" Hotch threw in a fake deal.

"I'm sure Derek is standing outside listening to this, isn't he just too desperate to find that doctor" Carl grinned again. I stepped back unwillingly. I wasn't going to be scared of him no more. So, I stood strongly.

"We all are!" Emily talked for the first time.

"Send Derek in" Carl sat back and demanded.

"Where's Reid?" Hotch asked instead.

"I will only talk to Derek" He said.

"Where's Reid?"

"Don't waste your time here Boss, you're never going to find him again" Carl hissed.

"You wouldn't get him killed?" Emily asked.

"NO, No, I am not an idiot! If I kill him, Derek would just mourn, but this way... he will rather suffer..forever" Carl lightly spoke and my heart sank but I remained still with Rossi beside me now. Hotch stepped out.

"We need all his meeting records now!" Hotch ordered an officer.

"He doesn't know where Reid is being kept" Rossi said.

"His men do!" Hotch walked out but I remained still. It was too much to take in. Emily stepped away with Rossi. I peeked through the window. Carl was glaring at me. I was not his little boy anymore. I stepped in slamming the door. With a loud bang on the table, I stood before that dog, gawking at him with eyes full of hatred. He grinned back.

"My favorite Derek" he exclaimed "I knew you would come".

"What do you want from Reid? Your anger is with me, take it out on me and let Reid go" I barked almost.

"Hmmm, that frustration...hmmm, giving me such peace of mind" Carl revealed his dirty teeth at me.

"You can't control me anymore!" I yelled back.

"Sure I can, I will make you dance on my fingers now...that too from behind the bars" he lightly said twisting every nerve inside me.

"Dr. Reid is rather a fine choice. I know you Derek, I know just how to hurt you right" Carl laughed this time leaving me speechless.

The door flew open and Hotch took my arm to pull me outside.

"Out, out, right now!" He shouted.

"Oh, Derek, even I don't know where your heaven is anymore, maybe lost in some skies, somewhere waiting to be rescued" Carl said as I was taken away.

"MORGAN!" Hotch yelled at me but by now I was in tears. I wanted to be strong, at least here, but Reid had made me so weak and Carl hit just the right spot. Hotch calmed instantly and actually hugged me. I was trying so hard to swallow down the bile and drink up the tears but I gave in. I didn't know who was hurting me more now, Reid or Carl. I cried on his shoulder.

x

x

When it was night again, I sat restlessly in my room. I wanted to be alone for a while, away from everyone. My life was becoming a mess. One side, anger for Carl and another side, guilt for Reid's disappearance. That very moment, I just wanted to sleep. But, I couldn't, I had no Reid beside me. The bed was empty, the walls were still, the room was silent. You were not here! It was only a day since he was gone, but he was already appearing as just a name now.

Even telling you this now trembles my heart. My condition just got worse and worse. Search teams spent day after day searching for clues. Parking cameras were analyzed, car type was traced, anyone who ever met Carl during his imprisonment was questioned. Hospital, shopping malls, airports were all searched thoroughly. Reid was nowhere to be found.

Days went by and I never slept, didn't eat properly. I was falling sick without him. In the mornings, I would drive alone through the city looking for any clues. I would drive and drive, not caring about anything. There was sadness, only loneliness around me. I didn't know it was physically possible to miss someone this much. I was feeling such a fool to rely on someone so much that I couldn't sleep anymore. My body was dying of exhaustion and finally as a result I fell on the side walk one day while searching. Hotch took me back to our hotel but I was back up in an hour, again looking for you.

Coffee was the only thing I could gulp down, just because that scent reminded me of Reid so badly. For few moments, it would appear as if I was with Reid again. It would taste like him. So, smartly JJ got sleeping pills added to my next coffee cup and I was finally forced off to sleep. I knew, my team now had our little relationship all profiled out. My condition without Reid just give in all the secrets. But, they respected it and chose not to speak about it.

Sometimes, I blame you Reid for making my life hell. I know I sound crazy but I was just so sad all the time. You made me insane.

Now, I sit in between the four walls of my therapy center. Every morning and every night recalling all these memories over and over again. It's been long since I came out from here. I don't want to see the world anymore. I want don't to do anything. I just wish to be dead. But, then I hold your memories in my hand, every page, filled with your hand writing, your words, your thoughts, and this is the biggest treasure I have left. Nurses here are so jealous of it. I don't blame them because I am always reading it, day and night, over and over again. Reid, your journal is all I have left of you and I promise I won't let anyone take that away. This journal that you wrote while you were taken away from me.

 _ **Thank you so much for the reviews and follows. I hope you are liking the story. I know that it is getting sad, but trust me, it will get more sad...and then happy...maybe lol! Please leave your reviews.**_

 _ **Next few chapters will be Reid's Journal.**_

 _ **And a Big twist awaits you all!**_


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5:**

 _ **Reid's Dairy**_

 _I'm so glad, I finally found something to write on. I have so much spare time and I have nothing to do. I am tired of being sad. Morgan, I don't know how long it will be before we meet again but I had to do something. Although I talk with you but you may not hear me, I will write for you but you may not read it. I am going through a tough time in life but I will not give up. I promised to myself in your name, I won't just let the pains engulf me. I am waiting for you, eagerly waiting for help. They say I will never be able to leave now but in you I have faith so please come fast as I keep on waiting._

 _Waiting, ah, it's the worst thing to do, but I found a way now. I am going to write to you every day, any time I feel like connecting with you, this pencil and paper will get me there. But, I will make sure, no one can ever read this once I find my way out, and not even you._

 _It's been two months that I have met you. I hope you are okay... silly me, I don't even know what to write. It's not like I'm crying right now... but I am. I have got a little insane now but I'm trying to stay normal. Trust me Morgan, I am in pure hell but with thoughts of angel like you, I am living on, I am... at least trying._

 _Morgan, those text were pure threats. I am sad that you didn't tell me that they were from Carl Buford. I thought you trusted me at least this much. I am not blaming you dear but this could have been prevented._

 _What still worries me is the condition of Garcia, I never got to see her that day. In the parking lot, I received the call, it was from your number. But, when I picked up, there was only music playing, sad violins. I got confused and there they attacked me. Four men from nowhere jumped around. I had my gun but next thing I knew I was suffocating with chloroform. I tried to hold my breath and fight them off, but they were just too many. I am not weak. I tried to struggle away from their grasp but their van was parked right beside our SUV. I was pushed into the back seat and one of them actually sat on top of me. By that time, involuntary muscles took over my strength as my lungs were drying up. I had to take in the fumes. I was scared, I didn't know what was happening. The chloroform took over my senses rapidly and I lost myself to those men. But, that doesn't make me weak. I can fight for myself. I will continue to do so. But, I am waiting for you!_

 _When I opened my eyes the next time. I was tied to a pole in an abandoned factory, away from you all, from safety of my home. Slowly, the whole scenario unfolded in front of me. You have the idea, how much I hate being tied up and here I was sitting on the floor attached to this pole. From the sensory information of my arm muscles, I knew I was in that position for a long time. I checked the knots by moving a little but they were just too tight, numbing me fully. I hated being stuck! In that moment, I was just too confuse to think of any danger._

 _I waited for anyone to arrive, the kidnappers to show themselves, or at least check on me. Hours, it seemed like so many hours were passing by. By now, all my muscles were numb, no feelings at all. I tried calling for help but based on the echo and frequency of my voice returning back to my ear canals, I knew I was alone in there. :(_

 _"God please, can anyone hear me?" I called out now feeling rather thirsty. Alone, there I decided to calm down. That is when I thought of you and all those texts, slowly the puzzle started to make sense. I was starting to feel scared. I looked around the rusty building and more fear filled my amygdala. I knew I was in great trouble and I had to be strong. I tried all relaxing techniques on hand but the numb feelings were now bothering me beyond words. If I stayed in that position any longer, I would lose my limbs. Trust me, it were like days, until anyone came, days of me tied to that pole, crying desperately for anyone to find me. I was hungry, sad but most of all I was lonely. I was without you, the great Derek Morgan._

 _Morgan, Carl Buford was still in prison but he had his men, some loyal boys from his youth center I assume, stalk us, day and night. I think they were even some from the hotel staff keeping an eye on us 24/7. I don't know how much time had passed but I was severely tired in that position and finally after days some men finally visited me with food and water._

 _"Hello Doctor!" Said the man, I assume the leader of that stalking gang._

 _"What do you want from me? Why are you keeping me here?" I launched my questions at them, human nature I guess. He just walked over to me and kneeled in front. He wasn't wearing a mask or anything, which rang alarm bells in my mind. He, then took out a gun and eyed it while grinning._

 _"Are you scared?" he asked._

 _"WHAT DO YOU WANT!" I lashed at him, my patience level was well beyond the threshold by now. In response, he just slapped me hard across the face._

 _"Keep your voice down!" He ordered._

 _"All I'm asking for is a reason, it that too much to give" I talked nicely this time but he just slapped me harder._

 _"I'm actually liking this, keep on talking" He said._

 _"Please?" I begged, keeping anger out for now but he slapped again, harder, much harder this time. I controlled my involuntary tears away._

 _"Untie me, please?" I begged with shaky voice now. And, came forth the hardest slap yet._

 _"Look at those rosy red cheeks, awhh" the man mocked and I drank my tears. He stared at me for a while, and took the water bottle from the side and opened it for me._

 _"Open UP!" He ordered. My desperate mouth followed thirstily. And, that bastard slapped me again, startling me. A cry sipped out of my mouth._

 _"Is it wrong to enjoy this?" He asked now touching tears on my face. I started to struggle out from his grasp._

 _"Let go" I demanded when he grabbed my jaw._

 _"Open up, last chance for any water" he threatened. I gave in to him and he poured some water down my dying esophagus. It felt so good to taste something so tasteless even with a tight grip around my jaw. He, then threw the bottle aside and brought the food plate now in front of me. My stomach seemed much more excited than the brain. It wanted food, terribly._

 _"Do you want it?" He asked while smiling. I was afraid at first with his offer, but man is made to surrender to hunger, I couldn't even think without enough fuel._

 _"Yes, Please" I answered, I hated how weak I was sounding. He slapped me yet again, this time having more fun than before. My cheeks were now burning._

 _"Do you?" He asked again but I simply nodded. I sealed my mouth away. My words were earning me nothing but slaps. He laughed out loud._

 _"Cute!" He remarked "it's fun playing with you, no doubts why Carl chose you as the target"._

 _"Carl Buford?" I let out as the whole scenario finally clicked in. Another slap._

 _"Time to forget the past and that so called Derek, cause you're never going back" He stood up and walked around the pole and finally untied my hands. I had no feelings left in them. I slowly brought forth my limbs to their original position, hissing lightly as it pained me immensely. Another rope was still digging in deep around my waist and feet._

 _"Go head, eat!" He pushed the plate with his shoe now. "Enjoy the last day as free man, tomorrow you will be auctioned out"._

 _"What?" I gasped loudly._

 _"That's right, someone gonna buy this fun package" He exclaimed. I panicked._

 _"You can't sell me!" I resisted. He just stood there smiling at my sudden fear._

 _"Why would you that for?" I asked again._

 _"Carl wants you gone far away, distant from that Derek and then he'll keep on suffering, looking for that somewhere where you can never return from, living as someone's property. Smart right?" He spoke harshly and then walked out with his men leaving me all worried. I sat there, ensuring that no one was around, I started to cry. I just hoped for rescue before any one dared to buy me. My hunger was also put aside for now. I had to get out from here. I quickly untied my feet and detached from the pole which was poking through my back. At first, the stiffed body didn't respond. I lied down for a while, slowly exercising back the muscles to life._

 _I got up after long period of resting and looked around, searching for an exit, examining the building, a desperate way out. There were no windows in that big room, ceiling quiet high, walls dirty, wires all hanging out. The place was a mess._

 _Morgan, I didn't give up even though I was worn-out. I prayed for a longer night, so tomorrow would never come. I ate but I missed you so much. I spent that night recalling our prank war, book talks, game nights in my mind. Headaches soon entered in instead and I lied there wishing for this night to never end. But, I was thinking how you must be doing, I knew you wouldn't be able to fall sleep without me on your side. I told you, don't surround your life around mine, but you didn't listen. See, how much trouble we are in now!_

 _I didn't knew when I actually slept but another slap woke me back up. And, I was again surrounded by the same man. He grabbed me by my upper arm and dragged out of that room, to another much darker room. I could hear more voices now. My heart was pounding beyond starling Franklin mechanism could propose. I was paler than pale. I started to retract as soon I saw a wooden chair on which light was being shown on, like a spot light. It was too much like Tobias Hankel. He pulled me harder feeling my resistance now and pushed me onto the chair. The light instantly blinded me while my hands were being tied at the back of the chair. I struggled a little, giving him hard time and received a slap as a result._

 _"NO!" I yelled as he placed a duct tape covering my mouth now. My mouth went dry, feet all frozen and heart, and this crazy heart beating impossibly fast. I knew fear was dripping off my face. The same man then stood behind me and pulled my head back using my hairs. He, slowly started to rub my throat and I started to hear bells ringing. I knew other people were here, watching me, betting. I closed my eyes picturing I was with you Morgan, doing Sudoku with you, giving you hard time. With Garcia, watching shows of her choice, with Rossi cooking. Oh, I was crying, muffled with tape, I was shown off to the buyers. Where were you when I needed you the most Morgan? I felt so angry! I still do. The bells kept ringing...Higher and higher...more and more...This foolish world, sold me finally. A human transaction set._

 _The man let my head go and I felt if I strained my neck muscle. Tears were drenching my scared face. I saw only darkness around, without my glasses, I was just almost blinded with such bright lights illuminating me. How much I wished, that you bought me instead that day back to safety. I wanted to go home so badly now! I don't even want to write this anymore...but how else will I feel better?_

 _The light turned off, and I knew my free days were over. I just pictured you, trying to lit some dying hope back in me. I know you will come, eventually. I guess I can wait as long as I can._

 _"Open your eyes!" a new voice said and I saw another light turning on allowing me to see the whole room now and I was in the center. A man, just about your age Morgan was now glaring at me._

 _"I'm Sam Elliot, I am so happy to have you" the man introduced himself. I shook my head in response while crying. I just wanted to go home, but not with him._

 _"Don't cry sweetie, I'm gonna take great care of you" He softly said._

 _"Send my thanks to Mr. Buford for letting me have such an extraordinary subject for my art, I'm going to just revalorized the form of art very soon" Sam Elliot spoke to the rest._

 _Next, I was chloroformed again, letting go of my conscious in the hands of strangers._

 _-/-/-_

"Sir, it's time for bed now" a nurse came in and I quickly hid Reid's journal pages, the same pages that once were in Reid's hands, soaking up his tears. She handed me my medicines. I knew they feed me sleeping pills. I could never sleep. I walked away from that the window to lay on my bed. I tucked the pages under my pillow, that was the only thing keeping me sane now. I was waiting for morning to arrive, so I could read again what I had read hundreds of times already.

 _ **Notes: Thanks for the support. Please review. Ask questions if you are confused by any of it...Reid's Journal continue on in the next few chapters...**_


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

 **Reid's Journal Cont...**

 _The next time I regained conscious, I was lying on a dirty mattress in a window-less room, the clothe with chloroform was still left on my face. I quickly threw it away. It was pretty dried off by now. I quickly moved towards the door, it was locked. I had no idea where I was anymore. My body ached in all places. I knocked on the door. I felt sick, just wanted to go home now. I banged the door harder. With nothing gained, I wandered around the room. There was some water left for me, some old rags on the floor. It all seemed very abandoned. It even smelled old. It still does but I am more used to of the fumes I guess._

 _Finally, with nothing on hand, I sat against the wall. I felt alone. I wanted to talk to someone. So, I turned to my mind._

 _"You're going to keep me company right, you're filled with so much stuff to think about" I said out loud, smiling at my silly being._

 _I started to recall Garcia's birthday party. It was the most fun I ever had in life. Maybe, because you were with me Morgan. I guess everything became much more fun with you. You are just that good. You may not realize how much you mean to me and my empty life... but you are like light to me in my darkened destiny, food to me in hunger, life to me in death. I even felt so much more richer by just having your friendship._

 _"Morgan, you're going to be the end of me!" I talked to no one, missing you terribly._

 _The door suddenly opened, scaring me. I quickly retracted. Sam Elliot entered smiling widely._

 _"God is such an artist" he proclaimed while sitting down on a broken chair while staring at me._

 _"All man can do is replicate His perfection, I'm impressed" He said. It made no sense to me yet._

 _"ahmm...why did you buy me?" I shyly asked because the way he looked, I felt very embarrassed, just wanting to melt behind the wall._

 _"To make art, I have finally got the subject I always dreamt of having" He answered not sounding harsh. I lowered my guards in some relief "You're beautiful, an art on itself" he went on._

 _"Well..hmm..thank you, but I don't want to stay here" I said._

 _"You're my property, I get to decide where to keep you" He nicely spoke, his words contrasting his tone._

 _"I am not a thing that you can own, I have to get back home, people are waiting for me" I sadly said._

 _"Subjects don't talk to their artist, they just let them have them" He answered._

 _"Please, I don't want to stay here" I pleaded lightly._

 _"Where should I start? A painting...hmm" he just ignored my pleas._

 _"Please?" I requested again but he was so focused on my looks that my words probably failed to make it to his attention._

 _"God, just gave me a great challenge" He stood up "I'm dying to start" and he left the room locking me inside again. So, a psycho artist bought me as his subject, what a foolish man. I decided to profile my way out of here. It would take time but I could use it to help me here._

 _Within few minutes, he was back with his stuff. Board, paints, brushes, water, and many other utensils. He started to set up. I sat there, thinking how to talk my way out. Suddenly, he took out a needle with a small bottle. He started to extract the liquid out filling the needle up. He then looked my way._

 _"All set" he walked toward me. I backed off in the wall._

 _"What're you doing? What's that?" I panicked._

 _"I don't want my subjects to move while I paint, it takes quiet a long you know" he replied and forcefully grabbed my arm. I wasn't going to let another psycho drug me again. I fought back, punching him away. He fell back but his grip on my arms remained intact. I kicked him off, almost pining him down, he pulled my arm harder but I used my other hand to grasp the needle away. He kicked his leg on my back throwing me away. I let loose and ran off for the door which was locked._

 _"NO!" I warned him as he started to approach again with the needle. He, who seemed calmed abruptly lashed at me with full force trapping me in between the door. I grabbed his wrist and pushed it away in the other direction. With his other hand, he punched me hard on my face. I blacked out for a few seconds and he quickly went for my left arm. I resisted back fully, in the process he ripped out my sleeve. He grabbed both my wrists and pinned them above my head, the needle fell from his hand. I struggled under his control._

 _"I don't want it" I yelled. He looked monstrously at me. With his leg, his kicked me in the stomach. I yelped. Afterwards, with sudden force he pulled me with my wrists and quickly twisted them behind my back and pushed me over to the chair. He pressed my chest on the seat and sat on top of me. He let my hands go and that's when I started to beat him off me, I was suffocating under his weight._

 _"GET OFF ME! AHH" I yelled but by now he had taken out a knife from his stationary box. He moved up and pulled me back to face him._

 _"I don't like fighting..." he sneered in a low volume and put the knife right on my throat. He, then walked away to grab the needle from the floor. I started to slide away as he returned._

 _"Please don't give me that, I promise...promise I won't move, please, no" he walked over. I was crying by now with desperate pleas. He yanked me forward and jabbed the needle right into my arm muscle. It burned on contact but he kept the knife on my throat as I started to feel weird. All my muscles slowly grasping out of my control, leaving me behind on his mercy. I started to feel numb from top to bottom. Morgan, that feeling of losing yourself at a chemical so fast is so deadly. I felt paralysed and within moments I fell over Sam Elliot's shoulder._

 _"See, what was the point of all this chaos" he said as he gently stroked my hairs. He dragged my lifeless body over the mattress. He eyes went on my exposed arm previously covered with my sleeve._

 _"You seem to be made out of marble but much softer" he rubbed his hand over my arm. I wanted to ran away from there but I was in a betrayed body, lying with absolute no motor control. He brought a big pillow and placed me over it, almost bending my body. My head fell back, and he neatly assembled my legs around, posing me for his painting. I could only see the wall now. I heard him walk away._

 _"Perfect, purely artistic" he exclaimed loudly._

 _So what if my body gave up, my mind was still intact, Morgan, I felt so exposed posing in front of a psycho like that. I chose to shift my reality away, with your ideas, your talks. Morgan, I was calling you. I was mentally talking to you, sharing my grief. I know, it would pain you greatly to see me like this. I have trust...that you will find me. I don't want to be a subject anymore, it seems terrifying. It goes on for days and days. Those powerful muscle paralyser keep me still sometimes for days. He often forgets to feed me. Every day, he comes up with new ways to make art out of me but every day I come up with new ways to miss you. I am sure, you won't stop searching for me, I'm still alive._

 _The worst was yet to come, when the chemical wore off for the first time in my body, my control slowly regained and I felt so stiff coming back, each muscle fiber ached on its own, my body burning from inside. It took me several hours to fully regain all controls. This time, I stood behind the chair waiting for him. I waited for him to enter and when he did... I tossed the chair on his head. He fell aside and I quickly ran off._

 _The room was in fact in the basement, I rushed off to the stairs, and heard him yelling behind. The main floor was another story, a huge mansion, so beautifully decorated, with sparkling clean tiles, glass walls. I continued running from room to room, looking for the exit. No one else lived here. And, then I slipped, and landed harshly on the slippery shinny tiles. I turned back and he was close behind with a gun in his hand. I swear I wanted to run off so he could shot me to death but only because of you Morgan, I stayed there, I won't go without seeing you once. I want to meet you once, then I can die off easy. I remained still as he walked over._

 _"You Crazy little shit!" He yelled "I gotta do something about this". He pulled me by my arm pointing the gun at my forehead. I wasn't scared of the gun, I'm just that desperate to meet you. Morgan, don't make me wait that long. I was again taken back to that hell. I hadn't even eaten in days that he again injected me, leaving me behind like rags. He returned with a big case. To my surprise, it was medical kit full with surgical tools. I closed my eyes because I knew whatever came next would be unbearable to watch. I felt him pull my right wrist and place it on the floor. I started to cry. I was more helpless than anything ever before. Morgan, where had I come?_

 _He sterilized my wrist with alcohol. I felt something sharp poke the fragile skin layer and then he started to cut off each layer by layer, with his incision, he seemed practiced but a hell broke down in my brain, pain receptors stimulating beyond any perception. It hurt. So much. I wanted to see what he was doing but I only saw the ceiling. I whimpered madly but silently._

 _I tried to tell myself, I was just doing this for Morgan but the silent tormented cries did no good. I am not weak, I told myself. The cutting continued for few minutes and then I felt some metallic ring being inserted inside my wrist. I knew, if I could speak, I would sound like a dying animal. The sensation too much for words. I was blacking out by now. I could even smell my own blood. The intensity grew wild as he started to stitch back my wrist. My face was wet with tears and sweat. I'm sure my eyes were pure red. I endured the pains in your name. He finally wrapped it with a bandage. He glanced over me, fear and pain swimming in my eyes like hurricanes battling out._

 _"You did great!" he patted my shoulder "I will feed you something soon". Finally, he left me alone, all paralysed._

 _Fresh tears now made their way out. It only hurt more to recall happy times. It made the present intolerant. I decided to think about other things, like solving equations in my head while waiting for the pain to soothe._

...

I cried every time I read this part. My heart would always skip a beat. I really failed Reid. I loathed myself. I lied back on my rocking chair, staring blankly at the ceiling of this therapy center. I recall the times I spent in your search.

Garcia had returned home safely now. She and Kevin worked together insanely to find any info about Reid. My new home was my car, I drove in vain. Then, when I used to return, I couldn't stop missing him. The whole team remained much quieter, no one laughed since he left, no one joked. Even, Rossi inaudibly read. Nothing was connecting us anymore but Reid, our central point of the team. The days would just drag on in your search.

 _ **Note: Please do Review, it means a lot to me.**_


	7. Chapter 7

_**Note: You will soon find out how Morgan finds the Reid Journal.**_

 **-Chapter 8-**

Three weeks were gone now, no sign of Reid, the training for the investigation teams even ended. It was time to return back to home and get back to BAU cases but none of us could move ahead without having a team member missing, that too an important one. We decided to return to Virginia but held meeting at Hotch's place almost every night, sharing ideas, evidences, just about anything to find the lead on this case.

Breathing, became just credit to me. I lost concentration from everything. I couldn't sleep still and nightmares about Carl and Reid just kept me haunted. I still drove, place to place, putting up missing posters. The main target was Carl. He knew who he hired to complete the job of disappearing Reid. He was questioned, harshly, but he kept saying he had no idea.

A month passed, Reid's mom even called in. She was worried because she didn't get a single letter from her son. As a team, we decided to not tell her, but her doctor was given all the current info. She was in a fragile state to know her son was missing for many days now.

And, then, we got a call from the police department where Carl was held at. They told us that yesterday a man came in to meet Carl around the evening and was arrested right away as a suspect for Reid's kidnapping.

Next morning, I and Hotch drove two hours to get there. I drove silently while listening to the radio. Hotch was also lost, looking outside his window. Our team was not the same anymore, even the king of emotional suppression seemed failing. His sad looks further deepened my sorrow too. After Haley died, Hotch became even distant but we all knew how protective he was of Reid, like his younger brother. It was not only that his team member was missing but a part of his family, a part of his life.

And for me, the cause of living was missing. I could only foresee struggle for me. A month without Reid seemed like many lifetimes had passed since I saw his face, the bright smile, the not so funny jokes, random statistics, food talks, his books spread around the whole longue, his ramblings...and his presence. Tears were soaking my desperate eyes and I quickly blinked them away before Hotch could get a hint.

I remember having him and Garcia over for weekends, doing pajama and movies nights together. From sci-fiction to horror, we would stay up all night glued to the TV. It was something that kept us away from all the stress that our job constantly provided.

At last, we arrived at the station. The man was kept in a room. Hotch entered along with the local detective while I stayed back. He quickly denied any assistance in the disappearance act. He was one of the youth center worker who simply came to see Carl. Hotch couldn't digest it easy. He knew something was fishy. This very same man was found in records meeting Carl a day before Reid's disappearance. Next, I was sent in. The man seemed to have recognized me but kept quiet. I sat in front. My eyes told the story clearly, I was suffering and the man kept staring me down. His eyes too told that he was the one behind this. The change in his behavior was evident, a sudden confidence, almost showing pride now replacing the terror.

"Where's Dr. Reid?" I got to the point.

"No idea! he answered rapidly now sitting back, almost relaxing.

"If you tell us where he is, we might be able to get you out of this!" I presented.

"Look Agent, I know you must be desperate but I really have got nothing to do with this" He said. Something was off about the way he spoke.

All the interrogation techniques I learned, practiced, invented, got tossed away instantly. I was just too desperate for any clues that I was projecting random ideas around. I couldn't move on so I decided to step out.

"Rosey red cheeks.." The man suddenly said and I turned to see him holding the Reid's photo and commenting with a smirk.

"Excuse me?" I frowned.

"I was just merely commenting on this photo" he replied. I stayed there for few minutes just eyeing him down. He remained confident. I walked straight to the rest room, splashing my face with water, letting tears wash away with it. So much time had passed and we were still nowhere. Oh, the feelings of helplessness was beyond what my soul could handle.

Sometimes, I would feel like running away, somewhere far from all of this, where no sadness existed. Other times, I felt like killing, throwing things around, violence erupting inside me. It was not in Derek Morgan's nature to just sit back. The worst parts were the nights, where depression took another level, anxiety and negative thoughts would fill my attention.

And now all of it was gone... And, when his absence completely torn me apart, I would seek to read his words, which only fuelled my grief more.

 **Reid's Dairy**

 _Lots of time passed, I simply laid on the floor, waiting for my muscles to come back under control. I wonder how and what must be happening in my premotor cortex as I just waited. My wrist was still on fire. I never expected life to take such sudden twists, where I would just lay there, staring at the same ceiling for hours, I had every detailed memorized. Once in a while my stomach would growl making some sounds. I was just dying to hear something, even my own voice._

 _But, finally, the chemicals flushed out of my system and I sat slowly shifting around, first crawling, feeling weird, dragging back to the mattress. I had to examine my wrist covered in bandages. I could feel a device running inside. It was just so sore. I was just so hungry, I could feel the passing-out flashes coming in and out._

 _He, Sam Elliot, suddenly entered with a large tray in his hands. The food aromas rapidly boggled my mind. I was almost salivating inside like a dog. He put the tray down, on which a spaghetti plate, juice, and fruit salad was set. Life returned, I felt in heaven._

 _"You look happy" he commented._

 _"Can I eat this?" I asked without contacting his eyes._

 _"Of course, I made it all for you, here" he passed the tray to me. I just dug in right away. I paid no attention to him constantly staring at me. My stomach cried happy tears when food made its way down._

 _"Look at this smile, marvelous" he pointed out the big smirk I had on my face._

 _"Thank you...for..this" I pointed to the tray. I could see sympathy in his eyes, weird. In few minutes, I felt full, so good to be like this again._

 _"I was a little mad that you tried to run away" Elliot confessed._

 _"People are waiting for me, my mother and friends" I explained._

 _"I don't care and so should you. Forget them!" He exclaimed. I decided to ignore the insane artist._

 _"Don't you have any friends, how' bout your parents?" I asked._

 _"I don't need anyone, I got you now" He smiled while speaking. I decided to not say anything anymore, it was only making me more sad. Silence maintained. I played around with my fingers while he watched me. It was annoying but I tried to ignore it. The awkwardness increased and I had to give in._

 _"What did you do to my wrist?" I asked finally. He just kept looking._

 _"GPS detector, now I can chase you down anywhere you might go" he answered and I gasped lightly. I wanted to cry instantly but I remained strong until he at last decided to leave._

 _I relaxed when the door closed and I let loose, weeping like there was no tomorrow._

 _"I wanna go home, God please!" I begged "I haven't done anything to deserve such treatment, please, I want to go back now!" I cried while talking to no one._

 _"God, do you even exist?" I asked out loud "What do you get from watching me miserable like this?" I madly questioned._

 _"WHY ME?" I yelped "Not fair.." I cried._

 _Morgan, it's only been a month, but I feel severely home sick. I can't just stay in this room all day long, without any clue of time, I had nothing to do before...now I write, but still, he sometimes doesn't come for very long periods of time. Maybe, he goes out to work, to meet other people, does other things. I feel like I'm a prisoner._

 _I am starting to feel a little insane now, I talk to myself, make happy stories in my mind. I might not come out of this if you don't hurry. I don't know if I can wait any longer. I am losing all patience. Maybe, it is much more than a month, I have no clue of time._

 _I am starting to forget, how sunrise looks, how rain feels. I broke too fast I guess and I blame you Derek! You just made me so happy that now I'm suffering badly. Wish, I hadn't known you and felt so alive before. But Morgan, I want to meet you once, just once, please, find me._

 _...x_

 _x_

 _x_

 _I had a great day today, finally. In the morning, he injected me again, I knew he was going to make another project today but the next thing I know, he carried me upstairs and back into the yard. The sunlight illuminated the whole world and he put me down on cool green grass. I could see the skies, clouds, birds, sun. It felt so unreal. I know I was crying, happily, enjoying the sight before me._

 _Although, I couldn't move my hands but I could see feel the coolness radiating beneath the grass, of my living green friends, I even missed them. The sensation of a new place just made my day. He came over, starting to play with my limbs, setting the right pose. I just prayed that he spared my head in the position it was in. And, he did._

 _He went off to the side and worked. I rested there not minding anything at all. I was in comfort. In the past, I took this for granted, not realizing how small mere things matter so much when they are gone. I enjoyed the day there, watching the clouds go by, a breeze would come by once in a while lifting up my soul again. Then, I felt something crawling on my arm. Uhhh, I couldn't move or do anything. It tickled immensely._

 _He spent hours there, and I watched the sun set as dark blue hues started to spread around. Slowly, twinkling stars appeared, and the space above just seemed so far. I started to count the stars thinking most of them didn't actually existed anymore. I was just so lost that I didn't realize my paralysis was gone. My arms twitched and I stretched a little. The painter was not there anymore. I sat up now viewing the huge mansion from the outside. It felt so majestic, but sad. Every room was lit up with lights. The dark skies contrasted the scene well._

 _"Not as sophisticated as Rossi's" I said to myself. I stood up, my legs went limpy for a while but I managed to walk again. The backyard was huge, with trees surrounding the boundary. There was a small flower patch here too. Solar lights illuminated the path towards the door._

 _Another cool breeze went by, my legs shivered. He made me wear shorts now, part of his idiotic artwork. I looked around, there was no exit from this mansion, had I seen any, I would've just run for my life. But sadly, I had to return back inside. The interior of the house unmatched any decorations I had seen in life. I explored around, wishing for a telephone nearby, cell phone, anything..._

 _I entered the big TV lounge, where TV was on, and one couch sat the man in his robe. He acknowledged my presence and waved._

 _"Come here pretty thing" he called. I followed and sat beside him "You look amazed?" He said._

 _"Nice house" I praised._

 _"I did it all myself" he mentioned. My eyes went straight off to the television, sports news with low volume. I missed TV a lot too. I just hadn't realized it till then._

 _"Hhmm...can I ask for a favor?" I requested. He nodded taking my arm in his hands and he traced his palm over it lightly._

 _"White marble flesh" he commented._

 _"Hmm..I don't want to go back into that room. Can I stay here, on this floor?" I asked but he was too lost in examining my arm._

 _"Can I?" I asked again and he was rubbing my arm hard now._

 _"STOP!" I snatched my arm back. He came out of his trance. He simply took my other arm._

 _"Of course, you can stay here, this mansion is as much yours as it is mine" he spoke._

 _So now, I get to watch TV, look at clocks, know the time, visit the kitchen, take free baths, play in the yard, do house chores, cook, and listen to radio. The changes are drastic. I recovered a little, living more like a human now._

 _I even have my own room, comfy bed, warm blankets and coffee. But, he's smart, there is no phone connection here, no internet, all windows are sealed, the yard has no exit, and there is no main door, as far I could explore. There are no knives around, no sharp tools in the kitchen. For cooking, I cut using the forks and the butter knives._

 _Morgan, now that I am in better conditions, I can wait easily. I know BAU won't disappoint me._

 **Whose sorrow sounds bigger to you, Morgan or Reid? Let me know in Reviews. Thanks for reading. :)**


	8. Chapter 8

... **Chapter 9...**

 _Hope is powerful, but it's a strange phenomena, driving useless man to continue living...maybe, it actually does prolong torment of man after all. Maybe, all of this will be wasted in the end. Evolutionary schemes, forcing me to survive, to fight but I know I'm on the verge of finishing up._

 _I know, the strength comes from inside, from the mind. If only I try harder, I can get it back. Morgan, do you even exist anymore, I am losing faith in you but I like to think for happiness man can go to any extent, where is your motivation now. I am sorry but you might not find me anymore. I am lost within my own self now. I am no more of your happiness anymore, I am not the knowledge you ever needed, nor your portal to heaven. I am no longer anything. I am a subject, on which art is centered. I am starting to question everything now, why has this become my destiny._

 _I am trapped within these walls, no new human face for infinite amount of time, paralyzed. Although, I had more freedom than before, new room, TV, food, but nothing matters if I can't move for days, and days._

 _The chemicals are killing me from inside, I feel weaker, the muscles more heavier. I begged, I cried that I won't move. I swear but he doesn't listen. He just injects me, again, then again and all over again. I am at his mercy, day and night, dawn and dust. I dance to his fingers._

 _What still hell is this, where time doesn't seem to pass, I am all alone with my mind, even my body gives up. I can't make myself to repeat what and how he paints me, poses me, I have no courage to write it anymore. All I can say, he's breaking me, fast and furiously._

 _Sometimes, my mind wanders, like there is no way out, so why live anymore. I wanted to end this many times, each time, you stopped me. Morgan, I still want to live._

 _..._

An year passed by, 365 days, 8760 hours since Reid was missing. The search ended in vain. But, the team was broken into pieces. Over this time, Rossi gave up on his work and retired again. And, then there was me, mentally unstable. I was just never happy again. I couldn't smile, suffering from major depression episodes. BAU was not the same without us three. New members joined in but Hotch couldn't help but compare them with his previous team, conflicts raised each day.

I, didn't give up the hope. I hired a secret detective to work in the police station where Carl was held. He was to keep eye on every visitor he ever had. I was still determined. Every week, I visited a new city, a new state, searching every corner with my own eyes, my will never fading. I was growing distant from rest of my team, my friends, my family. Like, I had this mission of life, to find him, no matter what. I visited churches, mosques, temples, to pray to God, any God, to return my happiness back, to create miracles or to keep me hopeful.

Day after day, I almost covered all states in a year, driving alone, a journey with no end. It felt like, Reid was just invisible, like he never existed in the first place, was only a dream, unattainable. His pictures, videos, research papers, clothes were all I had left of him. Then, one day, I visited his apartment, for no reason.

I entered into the dark residence, the place dusty and old smelling which once smelled like chocolate, coffee, candies. I turned the light on, all things seemed deep in sorrow, missing their owner. The walls were almost crying as once they surrounded laughter, music, voices... I couldn't stand the thought that it was an year already. I paid the rent for this place every month in hope he might return any day.

I walked over to the book shelf, covered up with some spiders webs, untouched, wishing to be read by one of the finest minds of the time. I traced my hand over the books, each talking back.

"Morgan, whenever I felt sad or lonely, these buddies kept me company" Reid once told me while showing me around the book shelf.

"No wonder you love them so much" I replied.

"A friend in need is a friend indeed" he said at that time. I could still hear him say it in my ear, the books looked lonely, their friend had vanished.

I stayed over here that night, cleaning up the place, somehow I felt closer to him, I opened his closet going through his clothes, trying as I remembered him in each one of them hanging there. I missed looking into his eyes, the spark it created. I missed him terribly. I slide down, sitting on the floor, feeling like shattering, piece by piece breaking. I cried. For hours. Until, all my energy drained out. I had no place left to look for, no clue to his existence. It wasn't his absence making me cry, it was my failure.

But, it rained and became a stormy night, lightning striking earth hard. I wiped my tears away and rushed toward the window. The dark night soothing the burning inside me, slowly, I tilted my head against it. After every night, day had to come, darkness couldn't remain forever, light had to enter.

Next morning, Hotch called the team for an afternoon lunch. Initially, avoiding such reunions, today I decided to go, meeting with Emily, JJ, Will, Garcia, Rossi, Jack, Henry, I felt worse. The missing element was poking me, even with all the world by my side, I felt alone. Even with all the love, I felt hated. A part of my soul would never heal. Hotch presented me with a cold drink.

"Morgan, here" He said. I took it. He smiled, trying to act happy even when he was also gloomy.

"Thanks" I took a sip of that sweet taste. It seemed bland. I made a face.

"Depression meds after effects? " Hotch mentioned as my phone buzzed in my pants. I took out studying the unknown number. I picked up. Silence followed. Long gaps of nothingness. I stilled.

"Hi is this Morgan?" A man with an unfamiliar voice asked.

"YES, I'm talking" I assured.

"Someone wants to talk to you, here.." he said probably passing the phone over to someone. No one spoke.

"Hello?" I asked. Hotch listened. The silence continued.

"...come on, talk to your so called Morgan, come on, talk... last chance, speak" I heard the man talking at the back. I raised to my feet, alerting everyone around. Bile built up in my throat.

"REID? is that you? REID" My voice broke in between, everyone rushed closers, gasping.

"REID? Talk to me, its Morgan, REID, where're you, please, say something" I continued to scream, crying in front of everyone.

"Oh, come'on, I wanna hear my happiness talk to me, I'm dying to listen to you, please..." The phone beeped and the call ended. I was paralysed. Garcia snatched the phone away.

"Spencer baby, are you there?" she swayed in tears as she took the phone and ran off, to get the number traced. JJ immediately hugged me.

Within moments, the call was traced, location was identified and we were off as a team to get our baby boy back.

.. _ **Reid's Journal...**_

 _Nothingness...surrounding, silence...engulfing, stillness...killing. I have no words. I have nothing to write. I have no friends. I am an art, you can view me...do you like me. I am... LOL!...so lost...I like laughing. AHHH...I feel not right no more, hard to lift the pen. My muscles died, hahaha, such loser am I. A tragic loser._

 _Morgan, Morgan, Morgan, Morgan, Morgan, I am not okay. Morgan! MORGAN!_

 _I dig earth, I rip paper, I break glass, I laugh, I eat, sometimes. I miss, I recall, I sit, alone._

 _I am sad I'm not a subject nowadays, he went away leaving me to these animals. SORRY, to these humans he left an animal, a pet. I am a good one. I can't talk, I walk on my knees and hands. I am what they want me to be._

 _But, animals can't write! I will not write no more. I eat from my bowl. I walk with them, I am good. But, they still hit me, hard, and I can't even cry, no noise allowed remember. They're tearing me apart. I thought I was cute but no, beat me more._

 _Crazy night, everyone sleeping. I am outside. Cold. I want more clothes to cover. Too exposed. I want a wishing star. I found my bag, my teddy, my papers, my pen, I am writing but I can't. My fingers...hurt, my arm kills, my wrist is infected. I am a monster. LOL. Why am I writing this? For whom? Oh, for God! To You I shall return._

 _I am drowning, Morgan, day by day, drowning, in my own blood. I am all done internally, the sophisticated architecture, the graceful compartments, mixing up, it must me chaos in there, blood vessels rupturing, lymphocytes going nuts, action potentials not knowing where to go anymore._

 _I know why I am writing. This is the last night, last words. I can see stars calling me. I am going. Forever. God, I didn't kill myself. I never ga-gave up. Please, save me not. I had enough. I want to go back where I came from, to my creator. Don't disappoint me like your creatures, listen to my unheard whispers, I am praying. I loved your world, your ways, you're wonderful, but I am done now. Ahh, damn pain receptors, your work is done too._

 _Yours, Spencer Reid_

 _x_

 _x_

 _x_

 _x_

Some times are special, kept safely in our thoughts, deep in long term memory...some moments are just too precious to let go off. Who knows when will happy times end? I just learned that present should be celebrated because these are the times we'll once look back and wish to relive.

Fast forwarding every moment I spent with Reid in my head, from his first appearance in BAU to last hug before leaving for that shopping mall. It kept playing over and over again in my mind as we got ready to bring our dear one back. Special teams were called on emergency, the whole rescue was planned. Other things were investigated with the help of Kevin and Garcia. A sense of new energy developed in ourselves, everyone doing their own things trying to add their efforts in the mission.

We rushed to get into our private jet, flying to northern California, to distant lands, with miles and miles of fields. Today, was the day, I would have him back. The black van rushed on the roads, we on our most attentive mode, almost slipping off the edges of our seats.

The tires screeching as we sped up, cutting through winds, engine burning up fuel, leading us closer and closer to our destiny. My stomach drained tension, twisting and turning in anticipation. I wanted this chase to end, the long, one year game to finish. I wanted him beside me now, like before.

I remember that day so clearly, of course, it changed me forever. The sun was hiding behind the clouds as fields were dancing and swaying with winds. We came out to a large mansion in middle of nowhere, surrounded with fortified walls. The Swat took their positions all around. Hotch and I marched to find the main entrance, there seemed to be none. So we decided to climb on top. Hotch followed me as we landed on a big wide front yard. Something was odd about the mansion, perhaps the antique look. We slowly moved forward to a large glass door. I gradually opened the unlocked door entering a giant hall like dining area. Hotch was close behind. It seemed as if everything around was untouched for years. We decided to split up and cover the large area. I went to the right leading upstairs, stepping up a grand staircase. Who was this man? I tried to remain focused, working it like a case, forgetting this was the most important mission I was doing in life.

 **Thanks a lot for Reading. What do you think happened with Reid? I know this chapter is little confusing...but I'm keeping the suspense here...Please Review :)**


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

My feet moved from one room to another, finding each one empty, as no one lived here. Then, there was this room. I entered in and noticing the coffee on the side table first, bed unmade, pens on the blanket, papers spreading around and a teddy bear. I lowered my gun and raised my eyebrows, walking over to the bed, immediately recognizing the hand writing on the pages. My eyes almost pained seeing something belonging to that dear being. I bent over. The first words on the page drowned me in sea of tears _"Dear Morgan, no matter where I stay, even nowhere, your memories are with me. I may tell someone or not, what my heart says, they say world walks with you, but still there lingers a loneliness in my heart, but your memories are with me, always with me"._ There were pages and pages of words, the ones that Reid wrote for me, all this time, he had me there. I examined the teddy, lifting it up and bringing it closer, almost hugging it. It scented just like him.

Then, few guns shots echoed the whole mansion up, roaring its way through the walls. I immediately ran out of the room, the shots continued, over and over again. I rushed my way through the stairs, almost tripping, but the gun shots kept blazing, so many shots.

"HOTCH?" I called as I ran around chasing the sound and then the shots ended. I ran around the large maze like mansion, hyperventilating, I called Hotch over the communications. He was silent. Panic took another level in my body as I finally entered the large lounge running through the doorway, and immediately slipping.

I landed on the floor, dipping in blood, as it filled the floors. I looked up and saw Hotch standing a little far, his back facing me. I turned to see an unknown man gushing blood out of his body, filled with bullets lying beside me. I stood back up full of fear, all wet with blood.

"Hotch?" I almost whispered, paled. He faced me, slowly moving and revealing Reid's lifeless body on the couch behind him, with a gun hanging from his fingers. Hotch's red eyes and lips shivered as he looked over at me.

Suddenly, my whole being roared as I made my walk towards the couch. He was wearing a dark green shirt, contrasting his skin greatly, I came closer and closer and new levels of pain rose each time, breaking me into pieces, my heart stopped. It did. Blood stopped rushing. Feet froze. I was now face to face with the cause of my agony.

"Spencer?" I called lightly. He was lying on the couch as if he just fell back, just moments ago breathing, waiting, for me. I quickly checked for a pulse, desperately doing last minutes efforts, but his arm looked too red, as if it was bloody from inside.

I didn't know what happened, but I became high, hyper, frantically looking for a pulse. The lifeless veins and arteries were done, silent. I kept holding his wrist in my hand tight.

"Hotch? I can't find HIS PULSE?" I screamed. He just stood there, trying to drink up his cries.

"Morgan...we're..late..I couldn't..." he slowly said and I went wild, punching the floor beneath me, denying it. He rushed over and stopped me instantly.

"NO, NO...NO!" I yelled on top of my lungs. I pushed him aside and took Reid in my arms, the gun from his hand fell on the ground. I cried soaking up his shirt. I grabbed him firm, the life had escaped from the body. I forgot all talks of this world, all senses giving up, holding up my dead heaven, so thin, so fragile. I knew I was crying like an animal getting slaughtered. The Derek Morgan, oh that so called strong man, fell to the ground, totally lost in wails. I was nothing anymore, just a mess on the floor, weeping, beating the earth, denying, yelling.

"WHYYYYYYY?" I howled lying on the floor, losing myself in the grief.

The next thing I know I was back home, sitting on a bed with Garcia beside me. I woke up from a dreamless sleep, astonished as how the world still seemed the same. How, the colors still illuminated the same lights, how sounds still sounded the same, how sun still rising on the sky, how tears still flow like rivers out of my eyes. Garcia, I couldn't recognize her first, no make-up, no bling, almost like a different person, lost in her own tears too. She noticed my movements and turned my way, grabbing my hand gently. We spoke nothing, just staring, sharing our sorrows. Something I longed for was no more. My happiness, my world, all heaven, my life, all died.

The silence continued, I didn't wanted to hear anything anymore. I sat there, feeling alone, like I was in dark tunnel, waiting, I felt dead, paralyzed. The year long search, the desperate waiting, finding, praying, finally came to an end. By just few moments, we were just late.

Losing my father was hell but this hit somewhere else, much more than a hell. All the struggles standing in front of my eyes, laughing at my defeat. I was a loser to fate, to Carl. Maybe, there is no such thing as happiness, maybe it's only a mere illusion.

I wanted to run away from the world, all by myself, freeing from all the guilt and pains. I wanted to hide in the room, forever, but I came out, dragged my deceased feet to visit Reid for the last time, before his burial, before he was finally added back to the mud, where he came from, where he will mix away with nature, giving life to another life.

The funeral home was packed, people, so many people came to see him dead, where were they when we needed to find him. But, nothing meant anything for me, no people, no customs, no rules.

I walked over to his coffin, where he was lying, my heart wept again as my eyes saw his pale face, eyes shut, he looked like an angel, all dressed up to depart this world. Once, this face lifted a life, smiling with sparkling eyes. His lips were slight a shade of purple, once were red, full with life.

I didn't want to blink, I had no time to waste, he would be gone, forever, and ever from my eyes and from my world. I had seen so many people dead, it was my job but today it hurt to say that Reid was a dead body even, it hurt to think death ultimately won, that Reid was murdered.

"Spencer, wake up" I heard Diana Reid say as she paced this way with a nurse holding her carefully. She looked relaxed and glanced down reaching the coffin on display. She smiled.

"Awwh, look at him sleep" she commented, the smile never leaving her face. And, from behind Reid's dad stepped closer. His eyes were puffed, nose red. He was crying now as if he really cared. He shook his head looking over Diana smiling at his son. He grabbed her shoulders.

"Diana, our son is dead" He told her and her smile faded.

"Don't talk non-sense about my baby, let him rest" she replied running her hand over Reid's forehead. Another tear escaped from my eye. And, then she started to tense, looking around the crowd. The panic attack was coming so the nurses gathered around.

"Why is everyone here?" She asked worriedly. We kept our heads down and she wailed and went wild, hitting around, pushing as nurses tackled her away. Her troubled mind knew she had lost her only child. The mother's pain were above us all, unmatched.

I gave Reid a last glance, filling my sight full of him so I could cherish it forever in my memory and stepped aside.

x

x

x

I liked to sit still, doing nothing, rocking back and forth on my rocking chair. I wasn't insane but I was gone. Derek Morgan was ill, he had to be kept in a therapy center. I was happy here, away from everyone, everything, the meaningless planet.

I had all I needed to live, last words of Reid, written specially for me. It was hard to believe he actually killed Sam Elliot before dying, firing all bullets he had, he used just very last amount of life left in him to get his revenge. I was proud of him for that.

The last page of his dairy made no sense. He was out of his mind and definitely away from Sam Elliot where he was treated worse than an animal. I wanted to know what happened but what good would it do to me. There was no good left for me anymore.

I was no more of what I was before. Some people are just so powerful, could wound you forever.

x

x

We buried him, deep in the earth, placing flowers before saying our final goodbyes. Death is the ultimate truth of mankind, we must all leave, one by one and it was his turn. No one stays forever. The cold wind breezed over my head as we stood in silence in the graveyard.

It was fall, leaves rustling with the winds, spiraling around the ground, claiming what now belonged to them, the nature took Reid away. It was now our chance to speak, say our last words to a lost friend. Hotch went first.

"It hurts to know we lost you but I am sure you are at peace now. If you can hear this, I just want to say that our lives had a different meaning with you in it. We are sad to be without you now but I am sure you will always remain with us, in our hearts, in our memories. I promise we-we will never forget you, ever" Hotch ended his speech.

JJ wiped her eyes and said "Spence-" And then she sealed her lips for a while "Nothing's going to replace you. I lost my sister and now you but I just hope you two are in a better place. We'll miss you, ev-ver-y day" and she couldn't speak anymore.

I was next.

"I really have no words to say to you. I failed you. I don't deserve to say sorry either. But, I'll make sure I get punished my whole life for that" Rossi placed his arms around me, supporting me "I-I'm so proud of you, you-held on long..." the bile in my throat snatched my voice away. Rossi went on and I felt as if my whole world was blocked out, nothing entering my brain anymore. I choose to pay my dues silently and just walked home.

I came home and fell on my couch. I didn't want to turn the lights on anymore, darkness clamed me. Night was falling, stars were coming out. And, he was no more, nowhere in the world. The search has ended, we got our closure, despite a sad one.

But, my purpose of life seemed to have ended too. I had nothing left to do. I sat up, worried, what am I going to do for rest of my life. I'm to stay sad forever, will I ever forget him? I felt dark, hollow, so empty all of a sudden, at least few days ago I was all alive in hope but tonight the ending was throbbing deep inside my chest. One without the other just didn't work.

Something got to me and I ran off grabbing my car keys, driving in the middle of the night towards the cemetery, the dark alleys, the dark lonely roads, all calling me over towards the grave. I rushed out of my car, walking over the freshly made grave. I sat beside it, in the dark, running my hand over the earthy grave mud. The tension subsided, bringing a sense of peace. I wanted to sleep, on my own, without any meds.

I was beside him, perhaps his grave but I was here. I laid there, putting my arm on the grave. And, after a whole year, sleep slowly approached me, my eyelids half closing. The place was so quiet, dark and peaceful, no noise for miles. The slow breeze whispered such lullabies in my ears. It was tragedy. Nowhere but lands of dead provided me freedom from strife. I placed my hand in my pants pocket, taking out all the papers Reid left for me. I quickly kissed them.

"Goodnight Spencer" I said half asleep.

And, I slept finally after thousands of hours relying on chemicals. The state full of dreams, of happy places, of white flowers and of clear blue rivers. Oh, this night I was back again to the world I once belonged, dozing into lands of happiness, chasing after lights.

 _ **Note: I cried when I wrote this chapter for the first time. Initially, I named this story 'What happens When you Die?" and wrote the story to talk about afterlife. I know this chapter was super sad...But trust me, more than half of the story is still left... and I promise, Reid will be alive and healthy very soon (TWIST!)...Please review to share your thoughts.**_


	10. Chapter 10

_**Note: There's a reason I didn't label or warn about this story being a 'death fic', because it's not ;)**_

 **Chapter 10**

"Derek?" I was shaken up and I opened my eyes to a bright sun, blinding me. I blinked few times to recognize Hotch pulling me off from the ground. I suddenly retracted.

"NO, I'm staying here" I said pulling myself back.

"Morgan! This is a cemetery, you need to go home, now. We were looking for you since two days now. Have you got any idea!" He almost scolded me.

"Get up now" he ordered. I shook my head.

"I feel good here, why can't I stay?" I asked. Hotch looked tense and exchanged a glance with Rossi now kneeling beside him.

"Because dead people stay here" Rossi spoke as if he was talking to a silly child.

"I like it here" I begged but Hotch just pulled me up. No one could separate me from my happiness again. I heaved furiously and slapped Hotch away.

"No means no!" I yelled "Go away, you all. Leave me alone for once. It's my choice where I choose to live, go away" I sat back down running my hand over the grave feeling the cold mud underneath playfully cheering me up. Hotch stood there watching the dishevelled Morgan.

It was the moment to call for help, nurses and paramedic walking over towards me within few minutes. They were going to take me away, forever breaking me down. But, I gave them a fight, resisting, punching but no one understood what it meant for me to stay. No one had an idea that this was the only place where I could sleep again, I could laugh and relax. To the world, the cruel, the very cruel world, I was a burden now. Only, you, Reid knew what I was going through.

They dragged my body in the mud, but trust me Reid, my strength lost to their numbers. They labelled me violent, of course, I would kill anyone who now came in our way. I was not mad but overly sad. I was no threat to anyone, lying there quietly with your grave ...but one couldn't digest seeing me happy.

They put me here, in four walls, shooting me up with chemicals, poisons to my thoughts. I didn't want the induced sleep. I was restrained because I was ready to run off, back to my heaven escaping this emotionless world, back to your remains.

Sometimes, I thought how you used to be, as living, playful child like nerd. If I hadn't met Carl, then I wouldn't have met you either and you might be still alive. I took it all from you.

Time, started to pass. Others came to meet me but I didn't speak to Hotch. He wanted me to stay here, all alone. That is when, I started to read his journal, understanding what Reid went through. Emily, once came over to visit. She told me the details of his autopsy report after I insisted forever.

Reid, died because of extensive internal bleeding, he was beaten severely the last few days of his life by many people, further investigation revealed a lot about Sam Elliot. His mansion kept hundreds of his artworks all focused on Reid. Some of which he even sold to others. He left Reid to his couple of friends when travelling internationally. The friends abused him, playing with human life like a pet, even a pet deserved none of them. The painful story, too sad to hear, crippled every nerve inside me and the others at the trial. Reid went into a traumatic state bearing the torture of those animals but when Sam Elliot returned he couldn't believe his subject was bleeding to death internally. He took his revenge, killing the friends instantly but one had managed to escape and later was arrested by our investigation team revealing the story to the court.

He described how Sam Elliot told them to look over Ried while he went off to Italy for three weeks. He guiltily accepted treating Reid like an animal, feeding him food only in a bowl where he couldn't use his hands. He had to walk on his knees and hands, never allowed to stand the whole time he stayed there. He said, he never heard Reid say a word, only his cries. He wasn't allowed to speak, he was an animal to them after all. He mentioned they were on drugs and didn't know they were doing anything wrong. Reid didn't comply at first but they threatened to kill him.

"For some reason, he just wanted to live so badly, he did anything for it" the man testified in the court. Although, I couldn't attend the trial, Emily kept me informed.

Even, Sam felt terrible seeing how bad Reid was kept there and took him back home, trying to recover him back. With no medical attention, Reid just kept falling apart gradually within hours. Elliot tired all methods brining him to talk again, to share his grief but he had forgotten how to produce speech. At last, he went to his room, searching for something to trigger him back, probably reading some of his journal, finding out about me.

He searched up my number and called me that day. Even, then Reid showed no response to my voice. His memory was affected, parts of brain already degenerated. He had forgotten me by then. My voice almost went unheard to his ears. Thus, Sam Elliot gave up on the phone.

The next day, we made it there but somehow Reid took the gun in his hands and stood up one last time to take his enemy with him, firing all the bullets he had, over killing Sam. He kept shooting despite Sam was now on the floor, the bullets went straight, to the glass windows, doorway shattering everything and that's when Hotch figured out where the actions was happening. He carefully entered and witnessed Reid falling back. Hotch ran off as he fell to laws of gravity, lifelessly.

Reid was simple tragedy to the ears. I rocked back and forth on my chair occupied with thoughts, memories. I was insane. It was too sad to bear, too sad to hope for anything anymore. But, I was wrong. After darkness, comes light. After 6 months of therapy care, I had no change in me, going towards the worse. I had the journal memorized. Psychiatrics saw no hope but God did and then something happened to change everything. The day I figured out what happens when someone dies.

x

x

Hotch came to visit me, brought a hand-made card from Jack saying "Get well soon". Oh, the childish innocence finally pulled a smile on my face. I still refrained from talking to Hotch.

"Morgan, six months is a long time to be away from everything" He spoke sitting across in my therapy room. I kept my eyes on the card.

"Fine, don't talk but I think it's time you come out of this, start living a normal life again" he said. I looked up.

"Normal life?" I asked harshly startling Hotch.

"I mean to sa-"

"YOU have no idea, NO IDEA, of my life..Hotch!" I said loudly. Hotch got up.

"Stop being so defensive, I'm only talking about your good" He said.

"Keep that to yourself cuz' there's no good for me no more" I lightly replied. I returned back to examining the card, the paper crumpling in my hands. Hotch sat back again allowing me to cool down. The mood swings were normal thing now.

"Tomorrow is the last day of the trial" Hotch said but I chose to ignore him "A decision will be made against Carl and others involved".

"But, we need to present one last thing to the court...and..it happens to be with you" He said. I looked up.

"What's that?" I asked.

"The journal entries Reid wrote" He said and a blazing fire flamed inside me. I stood up.

"There's no way, Hotch, back off now, I don't wanna hurt you" I warned stepping back towards the bed. He stood.

"Morgan calm down , it's important, I'll promise I will return it to you" He said.

"NOOOO!" I yelled "NEVER!" I madly warned.

"Don't you trust me?"

"I hate you like everything in the universe!"

"I think Reid would want to present his journal to the case, to get justice, he wrote it for that cause" Hotch said.

"HE wrote it for me, only for me. Now, leave me alone" I said returning back to my bed leaving Hotch all powerless.

"Don't you want to avenge Reid's death?" Hotch asked "sitting here in four walls won't do it".

"I'm not giving up the journal!" I boldly replied. He gave it another thought.

"Fine, then bring it yourself to the court" Hotch suggested. Reid's tormented story flicked in front of my eyes, painful ending, a revenge was needed. I nodded back at him.

"Thank you, I'll pick you up in the morning" Hotch left afterwards. I felt bad hurting Hotch with my bitter attitude but I had no control over it. I didn't hate him but I liked nothing either.

I slipped the papers out from under my pillow, they were more dearer to me than my life, a symbol of the struggle my broken relationship went through. I pulled a page out and read: _Morgan, you're going to be the end of me ._ I smiled reading the line over and over again, imagining his voice saying it, standing in front of me.

I shuffled the papers around, looking for the last page. The hand writing by now were mere smear of words, reflecting all the pain it took to write them.

" _I loved your world, your ways, you're wonderful, but I am done now"_ I read out loud and my eyes went over to the window. The evening was approaching now, and it made me think, this was the world Reid wanted to stay in despite all odds. He fought to be here, where I was, living, breathing, still watching the sunset. Maybe, I should go out tomorrow and present the journal to the court.

The nurse entered, holding my dinner tray with medicines. It was time to force myself to sleep.

...

Medicines eliminated their effects after seven hours and that's when I woke up to another lonely morning. It had been many days since I stepped out from this room. I pulled my chair and sat in front of the window, waiting for the sun to rise, ray by ray stealing the darkness away and spreading the bright wings of light, enchanting the living.

Then, breakfast, medicines, shaving, showering, changing of clothes. I prepared to re-enter the world again hands in hands with Reid's journal. I sat in Hotch's vehicle. He exchanged greetings. I looked out the window, peering at the world through the glass.

" _I loved your world, your ways..."_ echoed in my mind like how music buzzes in our heads.

I looked at the roads, filled with people, all on their ways, shops busy with businesses, traffic lights guiding traffic, birds migrating to spring, new grass sprouting out surviving the cold winter, the world just seemed to move on. It was me locked in time. I arrived at the court not exchanging glances with anyone, even Hotch. I walked inside and seated myself, my grip on the papers hardened. Emily entered and took a seat beside me.

"I'm so glad to see you!" She exclaimed. I nodded in response. "We miss you around". By now, Hotch was here too waiting for the proceedings to start. Emily, put her hand on top of mine, smiling.

"We want you back" She whispered looking in my eyes.

"I like it there now" I replied. She puppy-eyed at me, like how Reid used to do.

"How about for one dinner with us tonight, please?" She asked lifting my hand in her hands. I gave it a thought.

"OK".

"YES!" and she straightened herself in her seat texting Garcia. I wouldn't say they didn't miss Reid but they moved on better than I did. Maybe, I didn't want to leave all this behind.

 **Thanks for all the reviews. Love you all!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

The judge entered and it all started. I sighed loudly, suddenly feeling tired of all talks in the world. I saw Carl and many others at the front of the room. I had to lower my head immediately. He had met my eyes in the process. I didn't wanted him to see me, not yet..maybe never. I was all fractured up. His intense glare made my soul melt.

 _"I wanna go home, God please"_ Reid written plea flashed in my head. I didn't want to cry there.

" _People are waiting for me, my mother and friends"_

Suddenly, I looked up. Carl was watching me intensely, ignoring the proceedings. He wanted to see the result of his doings, craving to see me crumpled up here.

"I know the way to your heaven and I am going to seize it away" I heard Carl's voice in my head. Then, a tear finally escaped my control barrier and Carl got what he wanted. He smirked at my way, satisfied. Emily suddenly looked my way and grabbed my hand. I lowered my eyes, daring never to look back. I was the loser. He had done what he said... but not me.

"Heaven is immortal" I heard Reid's whisper in my ear. I looked beside me finding an empty seat. I was certain the voice was real, almost too real. I kept looking in the thin space. Emily squeezed my hand trying to calm me.

Next thing, I knew I was being called up to present the dairy pages. I chose to not stand up and simply gave Hotch the opportunity. Deep inside my heart, I trusted Hotch more than myself but I wasn't ready to face Carl ever again.

The few pages of the journal were read out loud, shocking people. I sneakily looked up and saw Carl lost in the words of my Reid. The painful story giving all pleasure to that son of a bitch. Carl seemed happy but soon he was to join the dead too. I wished.

 _"_ _It hurt. So much. I wanted to see what he was doing but I only saw the ceiling. I whimpered madly but silently. I tried to tell myself, I was just doing this for Morgan but the tormented cries did no good. I am not weak."_

It was almost too much to face everything anymore. I simply stood up in middle of the reading and rushed outside, Emily following me close behind.

"Morgan?" She called.

"Please, I need some time alone" I requested and walked to the bench near the parking. She understood and let me go.

The pain inside my chest was almost suffocating me. I felt like dying at the very moment. The smirk on that Devil's face re-entered my mind. I squeezed my eyes shut trying to escape the hell. Maybe, I could hold my breath and try to die. I prayed for death to come over, a cardiac arrest to claim my life. I sat waiting, holding my breath.

"I didn't let go" I heard Reid say in my mind. The pain doubled. I wanted to be with him now more than ever. If I could only see in his eyes again, I would rest peacefully.

"Don't do it, Morgan" I kept hearing him.

"Open your eyes!" The voluntary control got defeated as I gave up and inhaled deeply, almost panting and opened my eyes. There, beside me I turned to see Reid sitting. I knew I was hallucinating now. I blinked few times, trying to regain my breathing. He smiled at me sadly. I was tearing up again. He looked so real.

"Reid?" I whimpered in pain. His eyes sparkled as he smiled widely.

"I'm so happy to see you out today" He said.

"What are you?" I asked. His smile dropped.

"I'm Spencer, I don't think you forgot me this quick"

"But, you're dead and this is just my desperate insane mind trying to save me" I looked away.

"I'm nothing your mind is doing, I exist" He said. I stared back.

"Dead people don't exist anymore" I said running my eyes over the body beside me.

"Bodies die, souls don't" he said smiling again. My eyes went to his hand placed nicely on the bench between us. I moved forward to touch him. but, I just went through him touching the bench instead. I saw him watching this. His eyes also focused on the contact.

"Why can't I touch you then?" I asked filling my eyes with him, and only him.

"Cause I'm dead, my body got killed but my soul is still wandering around. Morgan, I can't rest in peace. I am lost" He sadly explained. My face stretched in further confusion. He tilted his head a little, bright and breezy.

"Your heaven is still intact" he said "so I guess we won after all".

I couldn't believe what was unfolding in front of my eyes, a soul, a spirit of a dead person was talking with me or had I completely became insane talking to myself.

"Are you a ghost?" I asked still not understanding. He laughed in response, my heart skipped a beat and then returned with a new life in it. I missed his laugh.

"When I was dying, I felt my body separating from my soul, slowing lifting away from my feet until I escaped that broken used body. When this connection is still intact, we feel as if this body is our life but only after death you realize it was like a piece of clothe we wore to interact with physical matter" He explained turning my whole world upside.

"Don't be sad Morgan, I saw you in there feeling defeated in front of Carl, but fool are those physically attached body of atoms thinking they won" he said and I was now mesmerised by every word that reached my ear.

"No one can kill me now, no one can take me away" His words crippled me from inside. I looked up at the skies, the miles and miles of open space, maybe there was someone there, other worlds, so many secrets of heaven not known to living. I was the man of logic now sitting beside a spirit. My eyes filled up with pain. There was so much more than living.

I turned back to see my happiness, my heaven, my life, my purpose with me, beside me again, looking at me, with the same haunting eyes. I got what I needed.

"I can look at you forever" I said fixing my gaze at him "I wish I could touch you too"

"You will eventually, but right now your body is the barrier to intermingle of our souls" He answered.

I heard a crowd behind me and quickly got up to see people leaving the court. I hurriedly wiped my tears away and turned back to see Reid gone. Another grief uplifted wrapped in panic.

"You don't have to see me to know I'm always with you" I heard his voice near my ear. If there was a way to hug sound, I would have done it. By now, Emily and Hotch caught up to me and placed the journal pages back in my hand.

"Thanks" Hotch said.

"Let's go" Emily grabbed my arm and we started to walk back to our car.

As I moved, I could feel him beside me, and suddenly sprouted happiness from deep within my heart. Our relationship just crossed all physical barriers and survived. This time, the tears were of joy. Maybe, I was now going to see this whole world with a new light. Maybe, time had no meaning once death was met.

Who knew, I was going to change forever now, facing the truth bigger than death.

x

x

I splashed water on my face. It felt cold against my skin. I was at Emily's restroom trying to freshen up before other team members arrived. I really wasn't ready to face them all and have a good time.

But, I couldn't stop thinking about what happened before, I meeting Reid's soul, telling me that we won over Carl and that heaven is immortal. My brain fuzzed thinking such abstract ideas, it hurt. I turned back. The mind boggling thoughts played around my attention span. Did I really not lose him? So much time had pass, that a thought even close to hearing his voice seemed a bliss. I was dying, literally thirsty for water of life, just a drop of him and I would sail away to emotional wonderland.

This world had no meaning for me, I didn't wanted to win or lose to anyone. Bringing justice would not bring him back, killing Carl wouldn't bring him back, me wanting him no matter how much how deeply, just won't bring such charisma back in life.

But, was he really in this world without his body, wandering around, like meaningless spirits. No one knew the answers, death always remained a secret to living. But, I couldn't sit back anymore. I had a glimpse of what I had lost for a long time, a vision, a sound and feeling of being near him again and it should be enough to go on for days now, remembering them as time would pass. But, man, with a limitless greed inside, always want more. I wanted more, like drugs, craving until body is ready to commit anything to get it. If I only knew a way of keeping Reid here forever.

"Reid?" I called to thin air.

"Yes" and I heard him from outside the room, sitting on the bed. A jolt of excitement travelled everywhere inside me and I came out. I was so happy, facial muscles stretching to smile so big after such a long time. So, he was here, around me all this time. It was my Reid, dead or alive.

"I missed you" I told him as sitting across him on the bed.

"I did too all this time, and so much more when I was with Sam Elliot" he said.

"Where's his soul?" I asked feeling stupid "Can you see the other dead too?"

"Souls can see other souls but they don't live within the physical world for too long. They rest peacefully escaping this world and way above the skies, somewhere limitlessness exist, where the Creator awaits them" he spoke as my eyes relaxed, cooling down the burn of ages, he really was in front of me and my ears could hear his precious voice. Again.

"Your father already left, Elliot did too" he said.

"How can I see you?" I asked gently moving my hand over him, but actually touching the bed beneath...feeling miserable not been able to touch the pasty skin.

"You can't see spirits, human eye's only tuned to specific visible spectrum of light, like microwaves and UV rays you can't see a spirit either, so I chose to visit you with a familiar look that you would recognize" He explained.

"So, death is not the end" I asked while almost dying in his illusionistic eyes.

"No, I guess I will meet your soul too someday where we'll stay forever... as time is only physical" He said getting up from the bed. My senses would not stop questioning, how his soul could appear so similar to his body, sound so like it used to. I might not have the brain power to understand the things not meant to be understood now, while living.

"You can stay with me here. There's nothing more I would want from life" I desperately suggested "Or I can die too so I can be with you"

"Silly you! You're living, you should be with other living beings" He almost scolded me and I laughed.

"I want no life but you" I insisted feeling a sense of hope slowly peeking somewhere. I was at the addiction level where there was no return, I needed the drug.

"But I wanted life and I don't have it anymore. You must understand no matter how sad or tough this gets, you still are living, breathing, dreaming, desiring, striving. This will all end eventually, you will be with me soon enough... but don't waste the little time you have crying over something you will eventually have" He sadly talked some sense into me "I waited, I can wait more".

"I feel lonely, depressed and I'm all insane. Nothing will make me happy now, what's the point of such life? " I said as sadness took over me yet again.

"What was the point of me enduring such violence for so many days, throwing myself at blood hungry men, letting them do whatever to cause unbearable pain, separating me from all live and breaking all my ties, what was the point of all this?" He spoke all in one breath. It appeared as if, of course he wasn't breathing.

"The point was to separate us from happiness, we both are sad, too sad that it's almost impossible to feel anymore sad" I replied describing the endless pangs of pain.

"But, that too is a gift, an ability to feel sad. Ask us dead, we have no worldly desires no more. Once you die, you will miss them, like how badly I want to touch all the things around here but I can't, but you can. Sadness is part of living, without it happiness has no meaning" He said as he kneeled in front of me. It was all too much to comprehend. I wanted to cup his beautiful face with my hands but I couldn't.

"Morgan, will you touch your own cheek for me" He said, his eyes desperately staring me. I smiled as a tear came out. The sight in front of me was too beautiful for words, something I craved for days. I gently brought my hand to my cheek, the touch, the sense allowing me to feel. Reid looked miserably at me almost feeling paralysed. His soul stared at me, almost in trance.

"I wanted to live, no matter how much it hurt, no matter if there was no ounce of self respect I had left, I wanted to stay in this world, living it all, being with-" he stopped in the middle.

"Can I ask for one last wish?" He asked so nicely that I believe even mountains could melt at that. I nodded while crying, almost in euphoria as once again we were together despite in two different entities. His wish would be all my life, every beat of heart, to fulfill it.

"Share your life with me, please, live for me, live for what I wanted to live" He pleaded. I got confused, scared a little.

"Will you promise me that?" He asked, my heart felt so heavy at his words. His life was gone and here he was asking me to live as if he was living with me, sharing the life experience. And, then there was me, wanting to die. Such dilemma, but his words were like marks on a stone.

"Enjoy the rain, the coming out of sun, the cackles of a new born, the colors of the rainbow, the taste of sugar, the touch of grass, the warmth of a family...enjoy your life as long as it lasts" He said. I got up, breathing the burden away. My mind suddenly opened to a new perspective, there'll never be moment where a dead will tell you to live on.

"Reid, I promise I will live for you but how'll I ever feel better again, the guilt of how you died keeps on pulling me away" I explained the internal mental tension to him.

"I died tragically but not because you couldn't save me. There's nothing you could have changed. I was to die like this, that's how my life had to end, and now that it's passed, it doesn't bother me, what happens here stays here" He said now standing in front of me. I smiled of how pretty he appeared asking me to live on, move on, forget the past pains.

"Well, I missed your voice a lot too" I told him feeling as if I really was in real heaven now.

"What about my physics jokes?" He sarcastically asked. I laughed a little, feeling alive already, bit by bit.

"Now I'll make up spooky jokes about dead people!" He exclaimed cheerfully and sent my way a flying kiss. I shook my head at his innocence. I heard the knock on the door, knocking me out of my heavenly state.

"Hi Morgan, everything alright in there" Emily asked. I straightened up, calmly replying "Yes, I'm coming down".

I looked back apprehensively, but calmed seeing Reid peering outside the window. He was still here. The peace returned and I started to walk towards him to stand behind. The sunlight from outside faded his view a little, too bright to see him properly.

"If you act mean with her, I'll haunt you in your sleep" He threatened, now facing me inches away. I never felt so close to him before. It was so long ago with so many painful memories in the way. I touched my forehead to his and instead contacted the curtains, another reminder of his death.

"You still got a thing for Emily?" I asked, his hairs were now shinning under the bright sunlight, illuminating. I felt so paralysed not being about to touch them, ruffle it or play around it. He nodded playfully.

"Marry her" He said and I went aside coughing "You are out of your mind, Kid".

"I'm out of my body" he corrected.

I went back and jumped on the bed, sprawling around with insane amount of joy.

"You should probably go downstairs and propose her" He said hovering close to me.

"I had bought a chocolate monster for you that day" I told.

"Darn it, I had to die before tasting that! How 'bout you buy another one and give it to Henry and Jack". I liked his idea but not more than him. Now, even his sorrow seemed eternal beauty of its own.

" Just like you, your absence was beautiful too" I spoke my mind, almost putting my heart out.

"Where ever they look, where ever they go, they look for you, O these insane eyes. I am alive but where had my life gone. Without you, nothing exists." I talked non-sense, almost poetic and Reid just looked intently. After all, his living Morgan had become a mad man without him. I fell back on the bed, full of energy, a new sensation I never felt before. Just this morning, I had woken up in my therapy center painfully dragging time with me. In thousands years, I could never imagine what happened today.

 **Note: Please review and let me know what you thought of this chapter. 1 more chapter and then a BIG TWIST!**


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

The world is not what our five senses can present, its way beyond our power to think. Who knows, there might be other senses unlike sight or touch, other ideas where our wisdoms blocks such abstraction. With this restricted mind, trapping ourselves to self loath sometimes. But, I was a living human, selfish in core, only hoping Reid's soul would remain trapped here forever, so I can be with him all the time.

I lifted myself to go downstairs where Emily was freaking around in the kitchen, preparing the dinner. She saw me and send a beautiful smile my way.

"Garcia is on her way" She said while lifting a giant dish from the sink over to the stove.

"Want anything to drink?" She asked while examining her fridge now.

"Do you know where dead people go after they leave?" I asked still excited with all the energy Reid blew into me. She stopped whatever she was doing and eyed me with concern.

"Morgan-it's like-they- Is this a trick question?" She asked tilting her head a little.

"Maybe death is not as bad as we think" I talked while smiling, still revising the time few moments ago. She remained quiet, probably thinking I'm all hyped up with distorted mind.

"I'd like to think it's way better than here, let's leave it to that" she got back to preparing the dinner. She took out some cold juice.

"Help yourself" she smiled as I poured some for me in the glass. When I will die, I won't be able to taste such things anymore. So, I took each sip carefully, enjoying how each taste bud encoded the taste, as if I was doing this for Reid. So what if he had no tongue to taste, I could be that tongue for him. That was the spark, I could almost hear the bells playing in my ears, welcoming a new life within me. I could understand why Emily was giving me weird looks, I was doing what no others could think of doing.

I had to live, for him, so he could do all the things he still dreamt of doing but had no time to. I will be his portal to earth if he is heaven to mine. Maybe, there is still a way to go on.

It was unfair on my behalf, thinking so small of the world. There were still more left. So what if Carl got him kidnapped, sold, beaten and killed. He was back to me now. Its true I couldn't touch his cheeks, or feel his rich skin but I had his soul with me. And, today it made me happy again like how it did before times were lonely.

"Lost somewhere?" Emily asked finally giving in to her curiosity.

"I'm glad I chose to come out" I told her.

I decided to give her a hand with the work when Garcia too arrived with loads of teddies in her arms. She excitedly claimed one for each member of the team as a memorable gift. Although, we needed no reminders but those bears were too cute to not keep.

Then, she hugged me so tightly, for so long as if I was lost for years and just had returned home, I could feel her tears soaking my shirt. It just made me realize how far I had gone from all of them, from my baby girl. She finally let go and wiped her tears away.

Although, she was the crying shoulder for everyone around us, seeking her bright personality to soothe us but she needed someone to hold her too, to ask her to free her grief hidden under all the colors and bling. I helped the girls get the place ready for others to arrive.

JJ, Will and Henry came next. Both were so glad to be together again, last time this happened was when we were on search mission working together. Hotch came in with Jack. He had grown up a lot now. With them here, Rossi finally got here loaded with drinks of his fine choice. The man had retired and moved to another city to write his next book: True Genius, True Hero, dedicated to Spencer Reid. Everyone were on their own pages, trying to recover but still wounded.

What I didn't know was that Emily even called my mom and sisters over for the dinner. The moment they knew I was out from the center, they rushed a flight here not missing a chance to meet me. They entered through the door, throwing all bags on the floor and rushing towards me. My mother wept on her way, banging into furniture and finally clashing with her lost son. Now, holding in her arms her baby so mentally unstable finally with the most powerful eternal power, motherhood. Her warm hug tried to pick up the broken pieces of her child wrapping him in love, a power so overcoming. I didn't knew I had miss her so much. She had visited me before but I had lost interest in all things. The reunion was much needed now. Next, I met my sisters, their eyes so much in concern. I had failed them all.

Soon, the dinner was served and this time we all sat together on the dining table once again cherishing the times of our lives. I knew we all missed one person, who could be with us on the table too spilling facts about anything we ate, the historical background or the statistical probabilities. One person could make such a difference that each and everyone on the table had been changed in one way or another. We were all little broken but now much more powerful to have survived it. Life should be celebrated, memories should be made because time will just keep on passing.

"I wanna share a toast to the success of today's trial" Hotch lifted his glass and we all joined with ours.

"To a doctor we miss dearly, to his successful life and wonderful contributions for mankind, cheers" And the glasses clinked together.

It had been long since I ate anything other than the center food. The careful tasting of dinner rejoiced another aspect of me, calling me to old times.

The evening approached another side when Garcia presented each team member with a teddy bear with a team picture on it. I got mine and held it in front of my eyes. The bear with a picture reminded of such good old times. It had to fill me with tears which I happily drank away. She gave two small teddies to the kids brining smiles to all faces.

"And this last ones for our Genius" she placed the teddy on an empty couch. And that's when I saw him again, holding the teddy in his laps even though it was on the surface. I couldn't believe my eyes seeing him amongst us. Reid looked my way so happy to have got his piece too. Wonderful, was all I could think of. I kept my eyes on him as he so desperately looked at everyone else's face. I knew he had missed us all, too much to tolerant. Sam Elliot may had crippled him for a year but he still longed for the love his family provided.

All guests unaware of such presence were just doing their own things, but my eyes were on him as he gently rose up and walked around, listening to conversations, from one person to another. He seemed amused. He even sat beside Rossi posing as if hugging him. I laughed a little. His adorable self was the joy I just needed, the only company missing was now here. My life was complete.

After a while he ran around the room, swirling around passing thru things and people, making my eyes question the reality. He, then waved at me pointing towards the dining. I got up to leave with him to the table where leftovers were still placed. He sat on one of the chair.

"Don't talk or other's will think you're crazy" He said eyeing all the food around. I nodded happily.

"Hmmm, so Emily made this chicken, does it taste good?" He asked. I shook my head at his innocence.

"It's tasty!" I replied and all of a sudden everyone turned around to see me. Reid's eyes widened.

"SUhh! I told you not to talk" he put a finger on his lips. I turned back facing others.

"I was merely complementing Emily's cooking" I tried to clear myself up. They didn't seem too convinced but let it go and I turned to see Reid had disappeared. I shifted around to find him again. I knew he was here somewhere but choosing to still remain hidden. Of course, Reid would not let any opportunity go by to tease me. Although, I didn't want to go back but upon my mother's request I did.

People would talk but I couldn't hear, they would laugh but I couldn't. Despite all, I felt a renewed form of life back in me but the sorrow had me weak. The pain that had accompanied me for more than a year wouldn't go by in a day. I knew Reid was in a better place now, away from Elliot, away from all worldly dangers but he was still away from me. I couldn't touch him or hug him. My eyes and ears felt over stimulated doing all the work alone. But, the memories made as humans were unforgettable.

I knew, Reid was here temporarily. He wanted to go away and was okay to leave all of us behind. Did his soul feel betrayed? Why wouldn't a dead person want to stay where he belonged once? Maybe the answer lied in the desperation I sensed in him earlier.

How can I say how this world had treated us? My destiny was to live but without him. People had tormented us in all ways possible but in our hearts the flame of hope kept burning. Today, amongst all lives, I still longed for the dead soul.

Finally, the evening gathering ended. I chose to go back to the therapy center where I was staying despite all of them insisting not to go. I felt safe there. Derek Morgan have a long way to recovery. I changed back and there the nurse came with the bedtime medicines. I took them and placed them aside while spreading my blanket around.

"Morgan?" I heard Reid and immediately turned to see him walking toward me. He was here too.

"Tomorrow you're going to help me, right?" He said. I smiled widely not believing at first that he was back here.

"I don't know a way to put a soul to rest" I explained.

"Others might, you can ask expertise in such field" he suggested.

"Like a priest?" I provided an example.

"Maybe..." he almost whispered. I sat on my bed inhaling the feelings of pure relaxation. I then pulled his dairy pages out and showed it to me. He smiled.

"I didn't wanted you to read them" He said. I looked down looking at the words for the thousandth time.

"Before sleeping, I would always read a part of it" I explained.

"So you could have nightmares?" he asked while giggling. I returned a glare.

"That's all I had of you" I said. Reid saddened.

"I made you sick. Look at you, how crazy have you become possessing over materialistic things. It's like you literally worship me. You weren't like that before" He concerned.

"Yah, I'm wasted. My mind does nothing but think about you and what happened to you. For past one year, I spent every day searching for you, saying your name like a mantra, feeding myself only one purpose. But, when it all ended it felt as if I have nothing left to do" I sadly explained.

A nurse ran in the room staring at me worriedly. She shook her head in disbelief.

"Sir, who are you talking to?" she asked.

"It's none of your business!" I bluntly replied now staring back at Reid. He seemed mad.

"That's no way of talking!" Reid scolded. I couldn't ignore him.

"Sorry" I apologized to the nurse.

"No problem but are you okay, do you need someone to talk to?" she asked.

"Don't sympathize with me, I'm not alone" I said trying not to show too much bitterness. She nodded and went away murmuring.

"I'm not happy to see you like this" Reid rebuked. I remained quiet.

"Quit running after me! I'm dead! I was once part of your life but not anymore. Get me out of your head before it rots" He ordered.

"I can't" I simply said shaking my head violently. And, then it happened...Sometimes, that made no sense, altering my reality into pieces that made no sense.

The whole room turned bloody in my eyes, and the spirit suddenly darkened around me, and soon the beautiful innocent face turned monstrous. It felt surreal. And, abruptly, I started to hyperventilate, feeling scared, as if really I could die in moments.

"Reid! What's HAPPENING?" I asked now backing off from the horrible scene in front of my eyes. It was too long, I was too tired, too sad. It had to end. The monstrous blackness started to surround me, howling the life out of me. All around me the scene was fading out in darkness and my screams were becoming clearer and clearer...louder and louder.

"QUIT RUNNING AFTER ME!" The howl sounded. Reid's spirit might be trying to scare me away, so I could forget him. I shook my head and the darkness completely engulfed me leaving me screaming. I was becoming one with the spirit, losing my connection and dying. My body couldn't take it anymore, the death being so near.

And, I finally woke up...panting from a long nightmare.

 **Please Review... Thank you so much! :)**


	13. Chapter 13

**...Chapter 13...**

I opened my eyes, finally, after centuries had past, I woke up hyperventilating, screaming, crying my heart out. And then, there were arms around me, trying to soothe me down. My eyes were open but couldn't see anything. My whole body was now drenched in sweat. I tried to breathe in and out and that's when I heard Garcia's voice.

"Derek, hi, calm down, breathe in and out slowly" I heard her voice first and then finally I saw her beside me. I looked around the room, I was back in the Chicago hotel room that I now shared with Hotch. It was raining outside. I felt confuse, more than ever. Where was I?

Garcia probably read my face and said "It's ok, it was only a dream, perhaps a nightmare".

I looked around, still trying to comprehend the situation that Reid entered the room. My eyes widened. He seemed concerned and walked over beside me. I turned to see Garcia staring at him, she could see him too. How? He came closer, and he smelled of fresh shower. I froze in the moment. And, right when he stood beside me, I grabbed his wrist, almost abruptly.

And, then I felt it. His skin against me, the blood pumping beneath the thin skin and I tightened my grip feeling the pulse of life within my fingers. I looked up at his face and he was surprised. I placed my hand over his cheek, the face so cold to touch. I could touch him again. I ruffled his hairs dripping water here and there. His eyes still reflected confusion. My breathing was fanatic at this point, tears were forming inside my eyes, burning the nerves.

I let go of his wrist and grabbed his head with both of my hands. Overwhelmed with desperation and fear, I pulled him close to my lips and that's when he pushed me, backing off suddenly.

"Morgan?" He said.

"O dear, are you feeling okay" Garcia asked but my eyes were only soaking with him, just him. Although my reality didn't make sense, I cared not. I was happy to ignore all physical laws of the world and enjoy the moment again, almost like I was back in time. I was afraid this will end too. So, I gestured my arms for a hug, trying to smile at something so unreal. He kept looking at me, why were you just standing there and not coming to me, embracing.

Instead, Garcia hugged me.

"Morgan, I'll get a nurse, just stay calm" Reid said. I held onto Garcia but still absorbing him.

"But they won't be able to hear you" I concerned.

"What? Why not?" He asked, his face almost amused at my words.

"Remember, you're just a spirit" I explained and he looked at me with wondrous eyes.

"Derek?" Garcia backed off facing me.

"What are you saying? Wake up" She said while cooing my face.

"I'm awake" I said looking in her eyes.

"No, you're still talking nonsense, was it a nightmare, you can talk about it to feel better" She told me and I looked back at Reid who was now folding his arms trying to diagnose me.

"Reid?" I whispered desperately.

"Yes" He replied ever so nicely.

"Reid? Reid?" I called again, I liked calling him.

"Hmmm?" He now walked forward and sat on the corner of the bed.

"Reid?" I repeated. He seemed irritated now.

"What's the issue Morgan? You were sleeping very soundly since yesterday afternoon, too much sleep has gotten on your head" he replied. My world flipped around, leaving me wobbling.

"No, I was at my therapy-Reid, are you real now, you're alive again?" I asked leaving two pairs of eyes in the room in confusion.

"Dear, you just had a very bad dream, we are right now in hotel for our evaluation and training, remember" Garcia spoke up. Was I dreaming that long? But, that's impossible, it was too real, too long and too sad. All that couldn't be a dream. I almost denied all existence around me. Maybe, I was dreaming now. Confusion resulted in a massive headache.

"You startled the whole hotel with your screams, we thought someone was murdering you or something" Emily peeked inside the room and said.

"Morgan just had a very bad dream" Garcia spoke on my behalf. JJ entered inside the room with a glass of water.

"Here, calm down now" she smiled at me and I gulped down all the water. That's when I knew I was back to reality. The dry throat told all stories.

"Feeling better?" she asked.

"I died in Morgan's dream" Reid said proudly. I looked up to see him optimistically happy.

"All of that can't be a dream" I said lightly to myself "it was too powerful to be just a dream".

"Get over it Morgan, it's just a dream" Reid mocked and anger stirred inside me.

"WHAT? JUST A DREAM!" I yelled and stood up "You think it was just a dream?" I walked over and grabbed his shoulder almost shaking the life out of him.

"MY WHOLE LIFE CHANGED, and you THINK I should GET OVER IT!" I yelled at his face "I LOST EVERYTHING I had, and I suffered and YOU DIED, YOU, YOU WERE NO MORE AND YOU WANT ME TO BE OVER THIS!" I yelled and he pushed me off forcefully.

"Enough, Morgan, stop treating me like this" Reid said now becoming angry as well.

"Don't talk to me like this again, Keep your dreams to yourself!" Reid exclaimed and left the room slamming the door hard. My heart was pumping badly, where was I?

JJ and Emily too left afterward.

"Dear calm down, go get a shower and freshen up yourself. Then we'll go for shopping as you promised, okay?" she said and I felt like time was repeating. I looked down to her feet, the same high heels and then outside the window. It was raining like before. I then searched for my phone and like a crazy person I looked for recent messages. I read the conversation.

 _ **"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?"**_

 _ **"Your Happiness".**_

I couldn't believe my world anymore, it really was a dream or was I sighting into future. Has, the creator of all things given me another chance in life, so I could change everything again.

"I'll go get ready" Garcia patted my shoulder and left me alone wandering. Carl's men will be attacking today. If my dream was true, it will happen today. If I leave him alone, they will take him away. I need to hide Reid away, where no one will ever hurt him. I won't make mistakes the second time.

I ran off from my room in a rush towards his room. And I slammed opened the door and found him sitting on his bed with a book. I rushed over and grabbed his arm forcefully and the book fell on the ground.

"You're coming with me" I ordered and pulled him off the bed and almost dragging him outside.

"HIIII-what's wrong now?" he asked trying to resist. I continued dragging him outside and Emily came rushing.

"Morgan?" she panicked.

"Stop it!" Reid yelled trying to break free but I was not letting go now, never again. I won't lose this time. I will kill Carl before he takes my happiness away. I walked over to the elevator and shoved him inside and stood in front of him.

"What' the hell is wrong with you?" He asked trying to push me away.

"Do you trust me?" I asked him pinning his arms to the wall. Both of us were breathing fast.

"Yes-I do, but what're you doing?" He asked innocently.

"You're in danger" I let out and the elevator came to a stop. I pulled him out and walked over to the our SUV.

"What danger?" He asked and I closed the passenger door on him and rushed to the driving seat.

"Is this about the text messages?" He asked as I slammed the race pedals driving as fast as possible.

"MORGAN, slow down please?" He screamed putting his seatbelt on.

 _I dig earth, I rip paper, I break glass, I laugh, I eat, sometimes. I miss, I recall, I sit, alone. I am sad I'm not a subject nowadays, he went away leaving me to these animals. SORRY, to these human he left an animal, a pet. I am a good one. I can't talk, I walk on my knees and hands. I am what they want me to be._

" NO! I WONT LET IT HAPPEN!" I yelled to myself now racing towards wilderness startling Reid beside me. I needed to be away from the world. I drove for almost hours reaching my private property that I bought in a remote resort. I slammed the brakes and rushed out to the passenger side and pulled him out.

"I can walk! Stop!" he resisted but I couldn't hear it anymore. All I heard was " _I am drowning, Morgan, day by day, drowning, in my own blood"_ over and over again.

I entered my house and locked the doors. I didn't realize I had pushed Reid on the floor. I quickly grabbed his arms and pulled him to his feet towards the stairs.

"Stop, you're hurting me now!" he exclaimed but I had renewed form of energy in me, never ending.

And, finally in the room I pushed him on the bed and he bounced.

"Morgan" he almost pleaded out in fear. I took out my gun.

"Why did you bring me here?" he asked shocked with the gun in my hand now.

"I know what's best for you, back in the hotel the staff is even involved, the stalkers are there" I explained.

"What?" he asked confusedly.

"Just let me do my job" I replied now searching the drawer for handcuffs. I took out a pair.

"It's only for your safety, forgive me for what I must do" I said and reached out to grab him and he backed off immediately.

"You're gone insane!" He exclaimed. I pointed the gun towards him.

"Forgive me Reid" I said " get back on the bed now".

"I'm sure, you won't kill me" He replied.

"I rather kill you easy here then to let them take you away for a painful death" I said determined.

"Morgan who are you talking about?" he lightly whispered in shock.

"On the bed" I repeated " NOW!"

He slowly walked back on the bed and I grabbed his both wrists to handcuff him to the bed. He seemed sad, I put the gun aside and grabbed his face, so delicately.

"I won't let anyone hurt you ever again" I whispered and kissed his forehead.

"I promise" I let out and now his eyes were sparkling with tears swimming inside. He looked too cute for words and I was happy to have gotten another chance with him. I moved closer to let my lips meet his but he moved away.

"I'm very mad at you" He replied.

I happily retracted.

...

 **Please Review :)**


	14. Chapter 14

**...** _ **Chapter 14...**_

 _-I am starting to feel a little insane now, I talk to myself, make happy stories in my mind. I might not come out of this if you don't hurry. I don't know if I can wait any longer. I am losing all patience. Maybe, it is much more than a month, I have no clue of time. I am starting to forget, how sunrise looks, how rain feels. I broke too fast I guess and I blame you Derek! You just made me so happy that now I'm suffering badly. Wish, I hadn't know you and felt so alive before. But Morgan, I want to meet you once, just once, please, find me-_

I stood near the porch staring at nothingness, miles of miles of green. It was completely silent. I could feel the calm before the storm hit. Just few days ago, my life was running with a different meaning. Then, comes the threatening messages, I find out Carl was behind this, then I go to sleep, for so long it seems ages have passed. Then, I dream on and on what future might look like. I lose happiness in my dream world to a cruel end. And, now I'm awake or is it just another life or a dream. Am I fully insane now? I walked around slightly trying to reset my mind back to reality but the powerful dream had me all haunted. I know today was the day, Carl had his men coming over. I went to the mall, they will chase down Reid.

I ran back inside to the room just to make sure Reid was still here.

"Thank God!" I exclaimed seeing him still on the bed. I exhaled in relief.

"My arms are numb now" Reid complained rattling the cuffs, like a little child throwing tantrums.

"I can't take them off yet, they will come take you away then" I explained emotionlessly. He shook his head in despair.

"Morgan, they can just kill me here if I'm stuck like this" Reid reasoned.

"No they won't kill you. They want me to suffer knowing you're with them, alive and away from me. I know that's their plan. If you stay attach here, they won't be able to take you" I said, the dream playing in the back of my mind.

"Morgan, come here please" Reid asked and I happily complied. I sat across him.

"What did you dream about exactly?" He asked. I looked away scared to even revise the tragedy.

"Just because something bad happened in your dream doesn't mean it will in real life too" Reid explained "you slept the Derek Morgan I knew, logical and rational and you wake up another Derek, whose doing nothing sane since the morning"

"Because now this Derek knows what happens when you die?" I answered looking down at the bed sheet. Silence fell between us. Death was a strong phenomena despite it was just a dream. It had opened my eyes more. People come and go to meet the ultimate truth where nothing on earth matters anymore. It made me think how mere the worldly worries were. The dream took my insight to a new grand scale. I now knew what my goal was, what life consisted of and what it needs to become complete.

"Morgan, you're phone is ringing" Reid's voice brought me back. I swiftly checked my pockets and read Hotch's name on the caller's ID. I declined.

"For now, no one needs to know where we are?" I put my phone back.

"But Hotch needs to know we are okay" Reid suggested.

"NO" I replied little harshly.

"I need to use the restroom" Reid asked and made a puppy face towards me.

"Not buying it" I said.

"Really. I really have to go" he pleaded. I nodded and ran off to the front door of the house, checking here and there, pushing the giant dining table in front of the door. Then, checked all windows and ran back up to get the key out for the handcuffs.

I released his hands and he gave me his maddest stare possible while rubbing his wrist. I walked him over to the bathroom and stood out. I held the gun out pointing to the door of the bedroom. I was ready for anything, enemy could strike anytime.

"Hurry up in there" I told Reid. He was taking long and it bothered me a lot to not have him in my sight. I could feel danger all around. In rising anxiety, I knocked the door harder.

He finally came out and I harshly grabbed his arm.

"Back to your position now" I said pulling him along me and he again resisted.

"I'm not playing in with your sick insecurities anymore" He pulled his arm back and moved back.

"Reid?" I yelled.

"We need to get back, everyone's waiting on us" He walked towards the door.

"No, no." I denied and quickly lashed at him and before I knew he was running down the stairs. At entrance, the dinning blocked the only escape.

"Why're you running from me?" I sadly asked approaching downstairs now.

"I'm not cuffing myself again, understand that" Reid tried to push the dinning away.

"Reid, Carl Buford is behind the messages, he wants revenge from me" I let out in desperation and he stilled.

"Now you feel like telling me" Reid madly stared back in shock.

"I wanted you out of this trouble" I explained.

"Very well...and I trusted you all along, should've known better" he exclaimed.

"I'm sorry" I apologized and he went back at pushing the table aside.

"Good thing I called Hotch" Reid whispered and my ear erected in response.

"What?" I gasped.

"You're not feeling okay, we need help so I called him from my phone in the bathroom. They're on their way" He explained and the earth beneath my feet flew away.

"And you're blaming me for not trusting, Spencer Reid!" I lashed out in anger.

"I'm here trying to protect you, from every danger I can anticipate, DAMN IT! I'm risking all I have for you and there you are calling me insane and running away. Not only you broke my trust, your broke me, all my faith and everything I'm doing for you! I can't believe you lied to me!"

"Just calm down" Reid interrupted.

"Spencer Reid, I'm sounding insane because of you, I'm ran off because of you, I'm suffering mentally because of you..You really ruined me Oh so completely. The poison got me today. You really are a man of science, emotionless. Spencer, you failed to understand me, and what I did do for you-None of that matters anymore" my voiced cracked along with my heart.

"It's not like that...you're not feeling okay. I'm was trying to help us" Reid calmed down and started to walk to me.

"You really have no idea...no idea what you mean to me" I looked up and said, frustrated with pressure in my chest.

"I do" Reid answered, sugar coating his voice.

"Now I understand, there's no such thing as heaven or real happiness" I replied understanding the depth of my dream. If Reid was to be my happiness, then sadness would come along as well.

"Morgan, don't overcomplicate things here and stop your melodrama" Reid signed.

"Yeah, this isn't the same Morgan. He's so weak, so foolish for you now" I said while sudden knock on the door knocked us out from our argument.

"It's Carl's men!" I exclaimed loudly holding the gun upright now. Reid panicked.

"No it's Hotch, I'm sure, let me look from the window" He said.

"You move and you die" I warned and stood still. Another knock.

"Morg-"

"SUUHHHH!" I interrupted and strolled near him, keeping the gun straight ahead. I grabbed his arm and whispered in his ear "God send me down as your saviour". He bit his lips sadly. Another abrupt knock, and someone from outside started to open the door, pushing against the heavy furniture. I looked him in the eye. Confusion now swimming in his eyes.

"Open the door" Reid requested me. I shook my head and the heavy table screeched against the floor as a powerful force blew open the door and I pulled Reid behind me. I stood in front with a gun guarding us down.

There stood Hotch in the doorway with five men behind him, one holding the gun at this forehead. They all wore masks. That's when I heard Reid gasp loudly. They all walked in. Hotch looked beaten.

"Throw you gun aside now! Do as I say" one of the man spoke up.

"Or what?" I asked. There was true shear fear in Hotch's eyes. He wasn't expecting this.

"Or I shot your boss in the head" He replied.

"What do you want from us?" Reid spoke from behind.

"Agent Morgan knows what we want, hand him over and no one gets hurt" Man said leaving Hotch's face even more tensed.

"Only over my corpse" I grinned my teeth at the dogs.

"Then prepare to die" The man reloaded his gun and pointed towards me. My gun remained in his direction.

Silence fell in the room as two guns both pointed at each other stared the other down. Both waiting for someone to lead the first shot. I could guarantee all men had filled with adrenaline.

And, then it happened where the leader of Carl's men fired at my direction and I quickly threw myself aside while pulling Reid along and fired in returned. A hail of gunshots uplifted the room. A bullet successfully managed to rip the muscle and blood vessels of my left arm and I fell over as the gun dropped off from my hand. I lost where Reid was, how Hotch was. The pain overshot all my senses. For few seconds, my world turned bright white but I had to turn back. I needed to save Reid, save my boss even at the cost of my life.

I blacked back in and saw Reid running up the stairs while two men were chasing him down. My heart pounded faster than possible. Reid could be moments away from cruel captivity, from Sam Elliot, from being beaten to bloody mess, from a sad death.

And, on the other side Hotch was held still by two masked men. The leader was still holding the gun and walked over me. My gun was now at his feet. He stepped over it. My arm bleed blood like a fountain and I was almost bathing in my own blood now. I slithered on trying to reach the only weapon possible.

I reached my hand out blinded with white pain that another bullet entered my hand this time breaking through my bones. I screamed but I couldn't hear. The blood smelled. But, It was only me bleeding and not Reid. If they took him, he will bleed internally and die. I angrily hailed. At the same instant Hotch had managed to kick one of the men on the face and pulled his arm towards him pulling the second man over. Both collided and Hotch set free in an instant and took the leader gunman surprised from the behind, attacking the gun right on. Both fought for the gun as the other two men recovered and attack Hotch head on, all three of them were now beating down Hotch. I was now paralyzed but frustration of losing again held me awake even when darkness was luring at the corner of my eyes. I could hear all cells of my body saying "Not again, Not this time".

Soon, Hotch was thrown on the ground and one of the man stepped on his chest. And, the two men from the stairs came down pulling Reid by his arms. My heart sank as the leader held his gun over Hotch.

"Take him away" He ordered the man and they started to drag Reid across the floor. I could see him fighting them but they had him in grip and he uselessly slithered along cursing them.

My eyes captured mere shadows of existence around me, and once again Reid was being taken away from me in front of my blur vision. Once again, I was lying there helplessly witnessing. How can that be? The leader too followed close behind leaving me and Hotch all beaten up.

"Time to cry for rest of your life Derek" The man spited before leaving.

"NAA-HH" I tried to stop him.

"Howwtch" I gasped. Hotch gathered himself up, still wobbling. He ran out as the van raced off. He came back sliding on one of his leg across. I blinked few times to see that his right eye was bleeding. He gently pulled me up and walked me over to my car. He pushed me in and painfully drove after the van.

And, the chase begin. Soon, Hotch had them back in sight. The roads were private so they were empty. It was just the two vans racing.

 _He just injects me, again, then again and all over again. I am at his mercy, day and night, dawn and dust. I dance to his fingers._

I pushed my myself up using my other arm and the van in front moved away, accelerating out of sight.

 _Sometimes, my mind wanders, like there is no way out, so why live anymore._

Using my other arm, I pulled my shirt off. I placed my arm on my thighs. My fingers shook as I dipped into my broken wound and God I screamed fanatically. With few tries and never ending howls I touched the bullets.

 _But, they still hit me, hard, and I can't even cry, no noise allowed remember. They're tearing me apart._

With final effort, and anger pumping in all my nerves, I pulled the bullet out and finally eased. My breathing was out of order, hyperventilating. The van took a swift turn and I fell back on the seat. I wasn't stopping until I die today. I took my shirt and tightly wrapped it around my arm. There were tears in my ears, like rivers flowing, not because of the wounds or the bullets that tore through my body...but of losing my dearest Reid. I was crying for him.

By now, Hotch was catching up beside them. Vehicles, side by side. They lowered their window and shot our way. It completely shattered Hotch's side window. I knew the next bullet would shattered Hotch in place. I lashed from behind attacking the steering wheel and rapidly moving our vehicle towards them until we both collided. The vehicles fell over the road. Their van plunged sideways as our came to an abrupt stop.

This was our last chance. I rushed out to the passenger seat flipped upward and pulled the gunman out seizing the weapon. I threw him on the floor and shot his head to death.

 _The chemicals are killing me from inside, I feel weaker, the muscles more heavier._

I felt like I was a monster, that too a desperate one. I howled as I climbed their van and the back door flipped open where a man advanced out with Reid in front. My bullet was now just at edge of my gun. Reid's forehead was injured. By now, the driver was out as well. I was attacked from behind and my gun flipped out in space.

It was ought to be. Reid's sharp attention earned him the gun as he caught the weapon in mid air and in spit seconds shot backwards instantly killing the man behind him. Another man from inside the flipped vehicle grabbed Reid's leg as he was trying to jump off. Hotch had managed to come out by now while I was being attacked from behind. He folded his arms around my throat and squeezed all my breathes out. My lungs instantaneously dried up and the urge to take in air overtook everything. My vision blurred. I heard another gunshot. I knew not what happened anymore. I was dying from the grip.

I knew, my brain was shutting down now. Moments before I leave this world, I had one thought, only one thought that I fought. I tried. But, sudden happiness swell my dying heart. Coldness now initiating from my feet, slowly travelling up. My dream flashed before me. I heard what Reid had said.

 _When I was dying, I felt my body separating from my soul, slowing lifting away from the my feet until I escaped that broken used body._

The force on my neck vanished. Maybe I was dead now but, I gasped painfully almost filling my airways to all extends. It hurt to breathe again. I fell on the ground behind me the man was dead, one bullet hole through his head. I vomited blood.

"Morgan?" I heard Hotch beside me holding me and I turned to see Reid standing at the back pointing the gun at the last man standing.

"Sir, forgive me, please, please, don't do it, please" He begged Reid.

"PLEASE!" and a gunshot silenced his pleading.

The storm passed. Silence returned. I fell on the ground and Reid rushed for me. I could feel his cold hands on my face trying to lift me up. I wanted to embrace him but I wouldn't. He was just too dangerous for me. My body yearned with his touch. He was alive, beside me, calling me. My body wanted to give in to him, but far from my reach, the dream flashed back in. Reid was not suppose to be mine, never.

The whole room turned bloody in my eyes, and the spirit suddenly darkened around me, and soon the beautiful innocent face turned monstrous.

"QUIT RUNNING AFTER ME!" The howl sounded. The darkness completely engulfed me, leaving me screaming. I was becoming one with the spirit, losing my connection and dying. My body couldn't take it anymore, the death being so near.

 **Thanks a lot for reading, Please Review...Only 1 chapter left...share your thoughts and concerns... I am yearning reviews!**


	15. Chapter 15

_**I guess no one is reading the story anymore :( ...I got no reviews...but here you go...last chapter...please review and let me know how was the story overall.**_

 **:,(**

 _ **...Chapter 15 (LAST)...**_

Voices, I could hear people talking but didn't recognize any of them. Lights, white bright ones, blinding my eyes. And then darkness again. Silence and Peace.

Then again, voices, clearer and clearer. Until I finally recognized Emily's voice.

"Give me some more?" She was saying. I moved around, trying to reach my environment. I heard another female voice, Garcia.

"Watch your salt intake girl!" She answered. I opened my eyes to yet another scene of bright lights. My eyes slowly adjusted.

"Hi he's back" Emily chanted. And I at last saw her face, glowing and beautiful. I tried to smile back at her.

"Emmmily?" I acknowledged her in a raspy voice.

Confusion, that was initially part of me. But, I learned soon enough what was real. I was in the hospital and had underwent a surgery on my arm from the bullet wounds. I stayed there for few days finishing my complete recovery. As more days and nights passed, I started to feel relax as if a big storm was finally over.

Garcia remained with me in the hospital like a shadow. I asked her about Hotch and Reid and they only suffered minor injuries and were resting back in the hotel. Apparently, they had Carl newly alleged with a second degree attempt of kidnapping. I could breathe again, knowing I had done it. I was the winner, regardless of being an injured one. But, still these hospital beds and room without Reid was haunting me, throwing me back to therapy center.

It made me wonder sometimes, why has it all happened with me? No one dreams such a situation and then watches it coming alive. I felt lucky, like an eternal power helping me, teaching me how to live my life now. But, this dream had me almost cut internally. It was the most painful thing I had ever experience to date. I was afraid...too afraid to dream again, to think about Reid, to dream about him.

Before the dream, my life was surrounded by Reid. I was literally breathing him, even worshipping him. But, only after the nightmare has ended did I learn I was killing myself by preparing a hopeless end for myself, a state where digging my own grave would even do no good. I agree, I was going to be a new person. I would smile, I would learn to smile in his absence; I would be happy, even without Reid stimulating it.

He came to visit the Morgan he knew in the hospital but instead saw the new me. I sat on my bed with my blue gown on, bandages covering the whole left arm. Realization of such obsession only occurred a short time ago, I still needed to learn. Seeing him after many days, fluttered my feelings around again. At first, I felt uncomfortable in front of him, the same person to whom all my comforts once belonged. He sat on the chair beside my bed. I was scared of him, of him having the power to hurt me again. But, I missed him too much which was a pain of its own. There was no exit for the pain, with or without him.

We sat without looking at each other as if it will help lower the tension. One part of me wanted to turn my head and look at him, admire him like before but another part rejected the thoughts of trapping myself again. I let the silence do the talking.

"I'm sorry" his voice finally made its way out. I remained still desperately trying not to chase the voice to its owner. My body trembled trying to resist him before my eyes, like a drug addict experiencing withdrawal.

"I-I'm very bad at this social thing, I told you before" He talked "But I'm very sorry for my behaviour that day. I don't know why-" he took a deep breath " Man of science, right, we're emotionless and I'm sorry to have cause you this".

I closed my eyes because I trusted them not, they would have turned any minute towards him. His words were the power I thrived on before, and still did. It will take painful efforts and endless time to undo all that. But, I wanted to be free.

"Morgan, you have all rights to be mad at me" He spoke again, this time sounding desperate. I slowly descended myself to the bed, laid and turned away from Reid. I reopened my eyes. I couldn't hold back my smile, the sense of pride was too overwhelming. I missed hearing his voice.

"I'll let you rest" I heard him stand up and leave the room. I turned my head instantly to catch a glimpse of his back, moving away.

"I'm sorry" I whispered with fresh tears.

So, I moved to my hotel in few days. The training was almost finishing up and final evaluations were now being performed. I got to my room that I shared with Hotch and fell on the bed.

"Life..." I inhaled out.

For tonight, Rossi decided to take everyone out to a restaurant for a nice dinner out as a team. I took the much needed shower and dress appropriately for the weather. A new air had reached my lungs, exchanging new life.

It was an outdoor setting, we joined two tables and sat down to let ourselves free of other worries. I chose to sit beside Hotch. I knew people noticed I was much quieter than before but only I knew how content I was. Reid was safe and alive. I won over Carl. Life really was set.

"Sometimes I really want to have dinner with Louis Pasteur" Reid threw in a random comment like always. Rossi grinned.

"Even when you got David Rossi in front of you?" Rossi asked. I still refrained from directly looking at Reid.

"Because Rossi won't talk chiral chemistry with me" He answered. Another laugh from the group cherished. I too smiled a little. Then, out of control, my eye flicked over him, he was looking right at me. He stunned a little at first and gave his best possible smile ever. The soothing feeling returned. I kept my face out of any expressions and slowly it resulted in snatching his smile away too. Rest of the team continued on with their food but we were left on mercy of each other's eye. I felt I was back where I truly belonged, in those haunting eyes. If I didn't take my eyes off then, I would have gone back to my crippled state forever. With all my will power, crushed heart beats and an insane amount of pain, I looked away. I was scared of those eyes and the power they held. I bet they could kill me if they could.

As sad it was to see Reid sad, I still ignored him. He walked over to me after dinner and I left without a glance. He brought tea for me back at hotel and I moved to another room. He chased me all around the hotel, whenever he could get the chance. I didn't know what he wanted from me anymore.

So again, I was in kitchen next morning sipping in some juice that he entered blocking the doorway.

"We need to talk" He said folding his arms. I quickly finished my drink and tried to squeeze my way out of the kitchen. He came forward. I refrained myself from talking or looking.

"Why're you doing this to me?" he asked sadly. I pushed myself against him to get my way. He resisted.

"You ask me to move and I will" He said. I was not falling for him again. I had enough so I pushed hard and he collided back against the wall and I left to my room. He followed me.

"Morgan?" He called. I walked into my room and turned to slam the door that Reid put his hand in between screaming at impact. I pulled the door back.

"Please let me in, I need to talk" He begged rubbing his hand hard to ease the pain. I thought to myself, let's get over it now. I signalled the door to let him in and closed it. He came and sat on the edge of my bed.

"I'm sorry for everything...sorry for not trusting you about the messages... will now you explain this new behaviour of yours?" He said. I simply remained silent looking at the carpet.

"So, you won't even look at me now?" He complained.

"Maybe, I'm not worthy enough to talk to you" he spoke in a broken voice, almost on verge of crying. Everything inside me broke but not my silence.

"Please? I promise I will not bother you anymore if you only tell me why?" he asked and his voice sounded so fragile, I felt I almost wanted to cradle his each word. I knew the emotionally strong Reid was breaking now.

"It's over" I finally said when I heard a little whimper escape from my precious baby.

"What's over?" he asked as he stood in front of me.

"Whatever relationship we shared before. I think it's dangerous for us" I talked trying to hide all the pain in separating him from me. I bet cutting your own skin is far less painful than saying those words.

"This easily? You just say the words and puff...we're done?" Reid's voice turned angry, his voice was cracking a little.

"I'm sorry, it had to be this way" I said still not daring to face him.

"Why? Why can't we still be the same? I thought you said we will always be together, for each other.. Morgan, remember I told you-I guess I never deserved you in the first place.." he sorrowfully questioned.

It was the pain in his voice, the sudden weakness radiating from him, the loss of yet another one in his life that made me turn his way. His eyes were sparkling with twinkling tears, freshly swaying at the bottom of his eyes, his long lashes drenched in them, his lips swollen and red. The pale skin color almost appeared golden in the lamp light of the room, he looked like a dream. He was a dream, only a dream which I could only have in my head and not in reality.

"Our happiness lies in this separation now" I told him and ran my hand over his right cheek, the darkness contrasted his softness immensely. I inhaled out the tension and with my other hand took his face and looked straight in those deadly eyes.

"Forgive me dear" I asked and a tear slide over his cheek, sobbing. He nodded in response and took my hands off his face and moved back.

"I won't" He whispered and walked out of the room. I knew him, once he's rejected like this, he never returns to the cause of pain again. I knew I was his happiness, his friend and today I hurt him bad. Like my dream, he would never understand why I did what I did. I knew how dangerous we were for each other. I never wanted us to be weak again like we were in my dream. With this decision in life, hopefully I will avoid such tragedies.

We returned to work in few days, back to BAU. I arrived early that day and hanged out a little at Garcia's office. I leaned against her desk as she turned on all her screens to prepare for the day ahead. I felt renewed sense of energy as if I had grown lot older in a month. My arm was still bandaged up but I was feeling much better. Times were still tough. I couldn't get the image of his tearful shinning eyes out of my head. Even his sorrow felt good.

I glanced out from her office window watching our Genius arriving...him taking his shoulder bag off firmly. I knew, some precious and beautiful things are meant to be admired. He was one of them. Like work of art, like some creation of God, so pleasing to the eye but should only be viewed from far. The desire to possess beautiful creation is a thought of crushing such precious things. If I had ever felt anything for him, I must learn to see him from far, even a small touch may break the fragile creation at hands. He still can be my happiness, from far. He can remain my wish, something I would want to have but would make sure I don't ever get. Love is yearning of attainable. Silly me, I don't even make sense, yeah even to my brain this silly heart makes no sense.

"Derek?" Garcia called me away from the window as she stared at my awkward behaviour. I smiled back and excused myself from her to return to my desk. Reid sat across busy shuffling loads of paper around, making lots of noise. He seemed all lost in his task and the staff around him threw annoying stares back at him. It even made me laugh a little. The paper crumpling continued and he finally took some more papers out from his bag and started to play with them too. And, then he suddenly halted and looked up directly at me. I forgot I was staring him hard, too obvious. He smiled at me, warming up my heart. But, the smile was different, like the ways he usually gave to strangers.

"Am I bothering you Agent Morgan?" he asked ever so innocently that the bitter words implied in the meaning crushed under his soft tone. I couldn't believe my ears at first. The new grown formality between us crumpled my knees. I felt weak for few seconds. Getting no answers from me made Reid get back to work, paper massacre.

I still wanted to be his friend, his peer, his big brother but for now I knew Reid was masking unbearable rejection behind his lost face. He was the man who could smile when drowning in sorrow, who could laugh when dying on inside, pretend he was the most energetic ever when depressed to no limits. Only I knew the other side. He calling me an "Agent" was the living proof of battles he was fighting. I let it happen. He was sad just like me. We were both empty, but both alive and safe. If there was no happiness around us anymore, there was no sadness either.

We healed eventually or pretended to heal. I became old Morgan again soon and he my wingman like before. He laughed again, joked again too and we even did pranks. But, nothing was left from the relationship once we shared. We were independent. Some may think that this was cruel too, that a mere dream shouldn't have separated us. But, this was for this lifetime. Maybe, in another world, in another life, in another state, maybe in another entity, we may get back. Where there will be no Carl, no Sam Elliot to hurt us, to steal our lives, where we could live freely and indulge in each other forever.

But in this life, I called upon time to return the normalcy back. I agree under our feet we had to crush the most powerful feelings in the world, love.

 **THE END**

 **-Please share your final thoughts...Review please! And, thanks a million to all those who read my story...:)**


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